{"id":27129,"date":"2018-09-12T09:52:25","date_gmt":"2018-09-12T09:52:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=27129"},"modified":"2024-09-27T10:57:35","modified_gmt":"2024-09-27T10:57:35","slug":"how-does-a-narcissist-change-after-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/mental-health\/how-does-a-narcissist-change-after-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"How a Narcissist Changes After Marriage- 5 Red Flags to Notice"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-27136 size-full\" title=\"Here are some examples of how a narcissist changes after marriage\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/Here-are-some-examples-of-how-a-narcissist-changes-after-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Here are some examples of how a narcissist changes after marriage\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you&rsquo;ve married a narcissist or find yourself married to one, you may not have been aware of what you were in for or exactly how your partner might change after you married. So, how does a narcissist change after marriage?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Smart narcissists understand that they need to hide parts of themselves until you are fully committed to them; otherwise, there&rsquo;s a chance that they could lose you.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They may not have shown you how it&rsquo;s going to be after you have married them because it&rsquo;s not advantageous for them to do so.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What-is-a-narcissist\"><\/span><b>What is a narcissist?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/YWXwB6B0KI8?si=aIQv_UXjitoOvqfO\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><span data-mce-type=\"bookmark\" style=\"display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;\" class=\"mce_SELRES_start\">&#65279;<\/span><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is no simple answer to this question, as the definition of a narcissist can vary significantly from person to person. However, according to the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/books\/NBK556001\/\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> (DSM), <\/span><b>a narcissist is someone who displays traits such as an inflated sense of self-worth, a lack of empathy, and a grandiose view of their own importance and superiority.&nbsp;<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Narcissists are often described as egotistical or arrogant, and they are often difficult to work with because they lack consideration and are sensitive to criticism.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A common misconception about narcissists is that they are all abusive and have no boundaries. While it is true that some narcissists are known to be abusive, it does not mean that all abusers are narcissists.<\/span><\/p>\n<pre><b><i>Also Try<\/i><\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">: <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/quizzes\/is-my-partner-a-narcissist\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Is My Partner A Narcissist<\/span><\/i><\/a><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">?<\/span><\/i><\/pre>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"How-narcissist-change-after-marriage-5-red-flags-to-look-out-for\"><\/span><b>How narcissist change after marriage: 5 red flags to look out for<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Check out these 5 red flags on how narcissists change after marriage:<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><b>1. Ego inflation<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">First, who does a narcissist marry? A narcissist marries someone who would be a good source of long-term narcissistic supply for them. They find a potential partner in someone weaker, less intelligent, or underconfident. So, why do narcissists marry?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Narcissists get married because they want someone to inflate their ego and be a permanent source of narcissistic supply. A narcissist getting married is likely only if it serves their purpose, like image boosting, a readily available audience, or money.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Though not all situations are alike, here are some examples of how a narcissist might change after marriage. (The extremity of the narcissism displayed will vary from person to person, and these effects may be tolerable, depending on the severity and the impact on the spouse.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><b>2. Zero compassion and sensitivity<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You will soon come to realize that one of the most significant ways a narcissist changes after marriage is in that they will reveal to you exactly how incapable they are of having and contributing to a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/love\/how-to-maintain-a-healthy-relationship\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">healthy relationship<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Narcissism is a personality disorder that involves a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.frontiersin.org\/articles\/10.3389\/fpsyg.2022.914270\/full\" rel=\"nofollow\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">lack of empathy<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> for the thoughts and feelings of others. If there is no empathy, there will be no sensitivity or compassion toward your needs.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Even if you have been fooled before marriage, this trait will be impossible to disguise with the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-narcissists-stay-married\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">narcissist after marriage<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and will form the basis of your relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><b>3. Your spouse will define the marriage<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You might think you define the terms of your relationship before marriage and may have been allowed to believe that because it served the narcissistic partner&rsquo;s end game.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This mirage, of sorts, is another significant example of how a narcissist changes after marriage because your thoughts, feelings, and needs are irrelevant to someone with this condition.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It is highly likely that in a marriage to a narcissist, your spouse will define the terms he or she will display double standards. Our needs will not be acknowledged as important unless there&rsquo;s a benefit to your spouse, too.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Can a narcissist change in a way that makes you feel that you have lost any say in a marriage? Yes, your spouse may start to demonstrate a lack of willingness to cooperate or compromise with you, and this can have significant negative consequences for your self-worth.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><b>4. You&rsquo;ll never win or resolve an argument<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-26292 size-full\" title=\"You&rsquo;ll never win or resolve an argument\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/Every-marriage-is-susceptible-to-conflict.jpg\" alt=\"You&rsquo;ll never win or resolve an argument\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And if you do, then it&rsquo;s because there&rsquo;s something in it for your spouse.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is another example of how a narcissist changes after marriage. Prior to marriage, they may have seemed to submit occasionally, perhaps even apologize, but that&rsquo;s because then, you were not theirs entirely, and they were still concerned over how they look to you and your family and friends as a matter of priority.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But the fact remains that someone with narcissism will rarely sincerely apologize, lose an argument or resolve a conflict.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, how does a narcissist change after marriage? They have no desire to uphold their <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/vows\/basic-wedding-vows\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">marriage vows<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. They are in the relationship to have their needs met, and not for love.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In extreme cases, you are not important anymore because he\/she doesn&rsquo;t need to impress you. After you have made the ultimate commitment to them, there&rsquo;s nothing more to gain (in their eyes).<\/span><\/p>\n<pre><b><i>Related Read<\/i><\/b><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">: <\/span><\/i><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-to-handle-arguments-in-relationship\/\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How to Handle Relationship Arguments: 18 Effective Ways<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n<h3><b>5. You might never enjoy a birthday or celebration again<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On your birthday, the focus should be on you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">However, your narcissistic spouse may set out to sabotage your celebrations and turn the attention back to them. This may mean tantrums, dashed plans, and even cancellations with your friends and family, thanks to your spouse. So, can a narcissist change after marriage? Often for the worse.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3><b>6. You will find yourself walking on eggshells<\/b><\/h3>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-25667 size-full\" title=\"You&rsquo;ll experience the silent treatment at best if you ever try to say no to them\" src=\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/Ways-Couples-Can-Effectively-Repair-After-an-Argument.jpg\" alt=\"You&rsquo;ll experience the silent treatment at best if you ever try to say no to them\" width=\"804\" height=\"350\"><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now your narcissistic spouse is in the driver&rsquo;s seat of your relationship and marriage, which can feel disheartening and leave you disempowered.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A severe narcissist may make you pay if you:<\/span><\/p>\n<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Express your expectations, needs, and desires to them,<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Have too much fun away from them,<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Try to prove a point or win an argument,<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Don&rsquo;t allow him to project his emotions on you.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You&rsquo;ll experience the silent treatment at best if you ever try to say no to them or call them out for their gaslighting or happiness-sabotaging behavior.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some people who marry a narcissist end up walking on eggshells even when the spouse isn&rsquo;t around.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Often this is because the person with narcissism has conditioned their spouse to do so. While you may need to walk on eggshells to have any kind of peace, this behavior will empower and encourage him to continue with this pattern.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you find yourself in this situation, and you can relate to these examples of how a narcissist changes after marriage, then it&rsquo;s time to get out.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Finding yourself walking on eggshells might be a helpful indicator and possibly a really good &ldquo;red flag&rdquo; that a&nbsp; relationship isn&rsquo;t heading in a healthy direction. Know more about it here:<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"YouTube video player\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/3cR7ZOJ2_7I\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"How-does-a-narcissist-view-marriage\"><\/span><b>How does a narcissist view marriage?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">According to The Myth of the Self by Ronald Laing, a narcissist cannot form meaningful relationships because they have a fundamental mistrust of others that stems from early childhood experiences.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a result, they tend to believe that they cannot depend on the people around them and therefore need to be &ldquo;self-made&rdquo; individuals.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They believe that if they work hard to prove their worth to others, they will be rewarded with attention and acceptance.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When it comes to marriage, narcissists often view it as a game where two people try to outdo each other in order to gain the admiration of others.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For this reason, they are more focused on winning than on building and maintaining a healthy relationship. They will often play the role of the victim to make themselves appear weak and helpless, which makes them appear more <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/how-to-be-more-attractive\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">attractive to their partners<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Can-a-narcissist-have-a-happy-marriage\"><\/span><b>Can a narcissist have a happy marriage?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some people assume that a narcissist can&rsquo;t have a healthy relationship with a partner because their needs always come first.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While it is true that narcissists are selfish, not all selfish people are narcissists. There are many people who choose to be selfish out of their free will, whereas narcissists are usually unable to control their behavior. Because of this, they are more likely to have <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/characteristics-of-unhealthy-relationship\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">unhealthy relationships<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> with others.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When a narcissist decides to marry their partner, it is because they are seeking validation and approval from them in an effort to boost their self-esteem. However, once the couple gets married, they begin to exploit the other person in an attempt to maintain control.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This can result in an <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/relationship\/5-self-care-tips-in-an-unhappy-marriage\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">unhappy marriage<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, as both parties will be left feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. However, it is possible to find happiness in a narcissistic relationship as long as you recognize the warning signs before it&rsquo;s too late.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Can-a-narcissist-change-for-love\"><\/span><b>Can a narcissist change for love?<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although they have the potential to change, most narcissists do not genuinely care enough about their relationships to want to improve them once they are established. A narcissist might pretend to change after marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As a result, they are often not interested in making the necessary sacrifices necessary to make the relationship work.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Furthermore, they often lack the motivation necessary to make a change because they do not believe they are capable of it. This is especially true when they are confronted with feelings of failure or inadequacy.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sometimes narcissists do want to evolve and grow as a person, but they tend to sabotage their own efforts in order to safeguard their existing ego structure. This is because they do not believe that they can survive if they begin to lose their identity.&nbsp;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although evolution is possible for a narcissist, it often requires outside intervention by a professional therapist.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"How-to-help-a-narcissist-change\"><\/span><b>How to help a narcissist change?&nbsp;<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The bitter pill of truth is that don&rsquo;t even bother trying to <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/save-your-marriage\/6-ways-to-successfully-fix-save-a-broken-marriage\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">fix your relationship<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> with them by talking to them or by encouraging them to attend couples <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/counseling\/what-to-expect-from-marriage-counseling\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">marriage therapy<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> or counseling. You don&rsquo;t have marriage problems; you have bigger problems.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So, can a narcissist change after marriage? How to deal with a narcissistic spouse? If you are married to a narcissist, you married somebody who cannot change no matter how much you want them to.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You are right on the frontline of a potentially dangerous situation that, at the very least, will disempower you and cause you to question your sanity.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">At worse, this situation could lead to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and physical health problems. Consider confiding in a counselor to talk about your thoughts and feelings in a safe place.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you decide to end the relationship, create a plan and get support to help you along the way. You can heal from a marriage to a narcissist, and learning more about the condition and how to protect yourself is a great first step.<\/span><\/p>\n<pre><b><i>Related Reading<\/i><\/b><b>:<\/b> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/mental-health\/can-a-narcissist-change-for-love\/\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Can a Narcissist Change for Love<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">?<\/span><\/pre>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Takeaway\"><\/span><b>Takeaway<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Undeniably, it&rsquo;s hard to be in a relationship with a narcissist. They can turn the entire course of the relationship or marriage without giving a thought about how the other person is feeling. Everything is solely about them.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">However, a narcissist can change after marriage, and with the right approach and learning the effective ways to deal with it, you can make your bond with your narcissistic partner happy and healthy.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false,"raw":""},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you&rsquo;ve married a narcissist or find yourself married to one, you may not have been aware of what you were in for or exactly how your partner might change after you married. So, how does a narcissist change after marriage? Smart narcissists understand that they need to hide parts of themselves until you are fully committed to them; otherwise, there&rsquo;s a chance that they could lose you. They may not have shown you how it&rsquo;s going to be after you have married them because it&rsquo;s not advantageous for them to do so. What is a narcissist? &#65279; There is <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":675,"featured_media":27136,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2507],"tags":[2727],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27129"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/675"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27129"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27129\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":104587,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27129\/revisions\/104587"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/27136"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27129"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27129"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27129"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}