{"id":22953,"date":"2018-04-10T06:25:16","date_gmt":"2018-04-10T06:25:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=22953"},"modified":"2023-08-22T06:00:44","modified_gmt":"2023-08-22T06:00:44","slug":"are-you-suffering-from-touch-deprivation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/emotional-intimacy\/are-you-suffering-from-touch-deprivation\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You Suffering from Touch Deprivation?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"Are<\/p>\n

Touch is the first of the senses to develop in a human infant and it remains the most emotionally central sense for the rest of our lives. Touch deprivation affects mood, the immune system, and our general well-being. <\/span><\/p>\n

Most research on this topic has been conducted with newborns or the elderly, showing strong associations between lack of touch and alterations in mood, level of happiness, longevity, and health outcomes. <\/span><\/p>\n

When children and the elderly are not touched, their mood, attitude, and overall well-being suffer. But recent research on adults is beginning to surface, showing similar results. <\/span><\/p>\n

Even short bouts of touch lead to improvements in physical and emotional well being. The right kind of touch can lower blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol levels and has been linked to positive and uplifting emotions. Also, people who experience touch on regular bases can fight infections better, have lower rates of heart disease and fewer mood swings. The more we learn about touch, the more we realize how central it is to our physical and emotional health.<\/span><\/p>\n

Distressed couples often fall out of the habit of touching. We know that couples who don’t touch each other for a long time suffer from touch deprivation. If adults are not touched on a regular basis they can get more irritable. Persistent touch deprivation can lead to anger, anxiety, depression, and irritability.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Why is it so hard to get back into the “sandbox”?<\/span><\/h2>\n

When you are in a bad mood or your partner does something that upsets you, you may not feel like touching or being touched. Additionally, if you think all touch will lead to sexual activity and you are not in the mood, you may avoid, and even recoil, when your partner tries to touch you. <\/span><\/p>\n

You then stop getting back into the “sandbox” to play, you become more irritable, which in turn may make you even less playful; you get even more irritable, and you feel like touching\/being touched even less often, which makes you or your partner even more upset or irritable. If this sounds all too familiar to you, you have entered a vicious cycle that may lead to touch deprivation. Sometimes, it’s hard to know who or what starts the cycle. What is clear though, is that this is not a good recipe for a successful relationship<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another kind of vicious cycle develops when one partner considers touch to be an inferior form of intimacy, in favor of other forms, considered superior to touch,  such as spending quality time together or verbal intimacy. In reality, there is no hierarchy of intimacy, just different forms of intimacy<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

But if you consider “touch” a lesser form, you may not provide your partner with touch, expecting quality time or verbal intimacy instead. The ensuing vicious cycle is obvious: The less you give a physical touch<\/a>, the less you will receive verbal intimacy or quality time. And so it goes. It doesn’t have to be that way.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Two misconceptions regarding the human touch<\/span><\/h2>\n

1. Physical touch always has to lead to sexual touch and to intercourse<\/strong><\/p>\n

Human physical intimacy and erotic pleasure are complex activities and not as natural as we may believe they should be. Many feel anxious about sharing their bodies. Additionally, the hormonal cocktail that fuels passion and erotic desire in the first stages of a relationship<\/a> doesn’t last. And on top of it, people vary in how much sexual activity and touch they want. Some want more, some want less. This is normal.<\/span><\/p>\n

Related:<\/strong> How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex?<\/a><\/p>\n

Things get complicated when couples who have a different level of sexual desire<\/a> start to avoid touching each other. They stop the playfulness; they stop touching each other’s faces, shoulders, hair, hands, or backs. <\/span><\/p>\n

That’s understandable: If you think that if you touch your partner, sexual intercourse will necessarily follow, and you are the one with lower desire, you will stop touching to avoid sex. And if you are the one with higher desire, you may stop touching your partner to avoid further rejection. To avoid intercourse, many couples stop touching altogether<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Physical<\/p>\n

2. All physical intimacy or erotic activity has to be reciprocal and equally desired at the same time<\/b><\/p>\n

Not all sensual or sexual activity requires reciprocation. Much of physical and erotic activity is about knowing what you want and being comfortable <\/span>asking for it<\/span>, and knowing what your partner wants, and being comfortable <\/span>giving it<\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Can you think of yourself as someone who can <\/span>give<\/b> touch for a few minutes without the expectation of getting anything for it? Can you tolerate receiving pleasurable <\/span>sexual and non sexual touch<\/b> without the pressure to give anything in return?<\/span><\/p>\n

You don’t always need to be in the mood for Chinese food in order to please your partner who may be in the mood for cashew chicken. Similarly, you don’t need to be in the mood for sex or even for being touched yourself to give a back rub or touch your partner if that’s what he or she wants or requests. Conversely, just because you feel like getting a long hug, or you want your partner to touch your back or your face or hair, does not mean that she or he has to want the same thing as you. And, most importantly, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it will lead to intercourse.<\/span><\/p>\n

Related<\/strong>: Problems in the Bedroom? Sex Tips and Advice for Married Couples<\/a><\/p>\n

The following exercise is for when you are ready to get back into the “sandbox” and “play” again with your partner.  When you can mentally <\/span>separate touch from intercourse, you can  make yourself prepared to:<\/b><\/p>\n