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Conflict can generate learning and growth or pain and despair. How we deal with it paves the way for how we suffer or move on. Nevertheless, <\/span>relationship conflict can be tough to manage when dealing with people who enjoy arguments and causing hurt.<\/b><\/p>\n Sadly, most of us are familiar with conflict. Whether we’ve experienced it in our families as children or at work, we all know that feeling of rage and fear. <\/span><\/p>\n Some might tell you that it comes from our primal instinct to protect ourselves, and others might tell you that we’re programmed by society. The reality is probably somewhere in the middle. <\/b><\/p>\n Either way, <\/span>conflict comes from mismatched values, ethics, and expectations. Our assumptions about rules, emotions, and communication styles can lead to a clash. <\/b><\/p>\n In other words, how we’ve learned to cope with emotional discomfort can make us conflict avoiders or conflict engagers. Psychiatrist John Gottman further defined 3 groups of couples in his <\/span>study on the roles of conflict, engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marriage<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n In summary, the volatiles can be passionate but fall into a never-ending cycle of quarrels. Avoiders might temporarily stay away from pain, but in the end, they create distance and loneliness. On the other hand, the validators are calmer and more intimate. <\/span><\/p>\n Witnessing love conflicts among the volatiles doesn’t necessarily mean they enjoy it. Moreover, <\/span>the dispute can cover anything from simple yelling to emotional abuse and physical violence. Some common causes include power plays, triggers to the ego, and fear of losing either oneself or the relationship. <\/b><\/p>\n The desire to protect ourselves and what we stand for is instinctual. Nevertheless, <\/span>studies<\/span><\/a> suggest that the patriarchal society many of us live in encourages a need for control and physical aggression. <\/span><\/p>\n Women can also be conflict lovers. Further <\/span>studies<\/span><\/a> show that as societies change and norms and values shift, men can be victims of relationship conflict. <\/span><\/p>\n And then you have those who thrive off conflict. They are in a different group, often referred to as High Conflict People (HCP). <\/b><\/p>\n Finding a relationship conflict resolution with conflict lovers is not easy. The first step is to better understand the causes. <\/span><\/p>\n As you read the following, it’s worth noting that what we enjoy and how we enjoy things differs from person to person.<\/b> We all process experiences and emotions differently. <\/span><\/p>\n Moreover, the labels “good” and “bad” are just concepts we apply, but they are not facts. <\/span><\/p>\n The High Conflict Institute describes <\/span>how high conflict people come across<\/span><\/a> in more detail. <\/span>You can expect extreme emotions and behaviors but it isn’t a diagnosis. It’s simply a description. <\/b><\/p>\n Regarding those who enjoy arguments, <\/span>the causes of relationship conflict often revolve around personality disorders.<\/b> For example, antisocial HCPs do everything they can to avoid being dominated. If they win the fight, they are potentially briefly satisfied. <\/span><\/p>\n In some cases, such as for psychopaths, <\/span>neuroscientist studies on psychopathy<\/span><\/a> tell us that certain system dysfunction leads to a lack of empathy. <\/span><\/p>\n Without empathy, relationship conflict can be an intellectual challenge such that finding innovative arguments becomes enjoyable.<\/b><\/p>\n Everything we do has an inner motivation. For example, s<\/span>ome people argue so that they can justify going on an alcohol or shopping spree<\/b>. Others use it to massage their ego because they’ve dominated someone. <\/span><\/p>\n Narcissism is another personality disorder that usually enjoys dram<\/b>a. Deep down, they are extremely fearful and mask this with arrogance and conflict in romantic relationships. <\/span>The short-term upside is that they feel powerful. <\/b><\/p>\n Dr. Jennifer Jacobsen<\/a>, PhD in Psychology, shares<\/span><\/p>\n Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder may enjoy creating conflict and drama because when you react, it shows them that they have power over you.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Perfectionists often create conflict in relationships. <\/b>While they are sensitive to criticism, this <\/span>personality trait<\/span><\/a> drives many to attempt to change others. <\/span><\/p>\n Assuming they win their small micro-managing moments, their expectation of perfection might be met. This gives them the upside they seek and feel justified and potentially content. <\/b><\/p>\n Sadly, most of those feelings are usually short-lived, followed by new angst. After all, perfectionism is a defense against the pain of being a failure. <\/span><\/p>\n Nevertheless, a small moment of perfection, even achieved through anger, gives a momentary release from their fear and potentially a moment of enjoyment. Remember that for these people, the definition of enjoyment might be different. <\/span><\/p>\n As communications expert Judith E. Glaser explains in her article “<\/span>Your Brain is Hooked on Being Right<\/span><\/a>,” <\/span>we get flooded with addictive chemicals when we win an argument. <\/b><\/p>\n Essentially, when we win, we get a hit of adrenaline and dopamine which make us feel indestructible. Of course, we all want to feel like that but most of us have also learned that positive human connections are just as rewarding, if not more. <\/span><\/p>\n Unhealthy conflict isn’t something any of us should aim for, even if we’re in that group of people who seem to enjoy it. Nevertheless, the personal work to recover from mental disorders or past traumas can feel insurmountable. <\/span><\/p>\n Let’s also not forget that those who enjoy love conflicts might have never learned or experienced healthy conflict management. They simply don’t know anything else. <\/b><\/p>\n So, conflict engagers without mental disorders might not even be aware that there are other ways to handle emotions. Nor might they want to learn. <\/span><\/p>\n Another example of those who seem to enjoy relationship conflict is when you meet people who relish hurting others. <\/span>In many ways, this is driven by the nature of their brains and how certain systems differ,<\/b> as shown in this<\/span> study on sadism<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n Then again, <\/span>the debate of nurture versus nature still stands with neuroscientist Jim Fallon as a prime example.<\/b> In his book “<\/span>The Psychopath Inside<\/span><\/a>“, he describes how he discovered that he has the brain scan of a psychopath. <\/span><\/p>\n The difference with Jim Fallon is that<\/span> he comes from a nurturing family where he learned a healthy approach to relationship conflict and how to build human connections. <\/b><\/p>\n As mentioned, <\/span>relationship conflict can be an intellectually stimulating exercise for the right person. It triggers their creativity and innovation, both of which are usually enjoyable traits. <\/b><\/p>\n This is where we start stepping into blurred definitions where healthy conflict management is a good thing. It’s how we grow and improve our status quo. <\/span><\/p>\n Conflict in <\/span>romantic relationships<\/span><\/a> is comfortable for those who grew up with a similar experience. <\/span>It can also be a coping mechanism to distance themselves from the deeper pain they feel inside. <\/b><\/p>\n This mask gives them temporary relief and satisfaction. It’s debatable whether this is enjoyment or simple numbing. Regardless, it serves a “good” purpose in their mind. <\/span><\/p>\n We all have a dark side with a tendency to be drawn to bad things. Look at the media. It’s filled with terrible stories. In some ways, they make us feel good because our lives are better by contrast. <\/span><\/p>\n In other ways, <\/span>as we’re surrounded by rage and pain, perhaps relationship conflict is only a natural extension. Sometimes we also enact what we fear, in this case, conflict, so it doesn’t control us. <\/b><\/p>\n As this psychology article on the “<\/span>Dark Side of Beauty<\/span><\/a>” explains, <\/span>we all have an element of wanting to witness another person’s suffering. <\/b><\/p>\n Last but not least, empathy is in decline. As this<\/span> study on the decline in human empathy<\/span><\/a> shows, <\/span>empathy has fallen by 49% between 1979 and 2009. <\/b><\/p>\n Whether or not this directly correlates to relationship conflict is up for debate. Regardless, why should we change if we can’t fully grasp how conflict impacts our partner? Especially if we get momentary upsides of satisfaction and feelings of power. <\/span><\/p>\n This video works through some useful strategies to help you regulate your emotions: <\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>What does conflict look like in a relationship?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n<\/span>10 causes of conflict enjoyment <\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
1. High conflict people (HCP)<\/b><\/h3>\n
2. An excuse for drama<\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading: <\/i><\/b>Are You Addicted to Chaos and Drama in Your Relationships?<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
3. Seeking to change each other<\/b><\/h3>\n
4. Adrenaline and dopamine addicts <\/b><\/h3>\n
5. Escape from personal work <\/b><\/h3>\n
Related Reading:<\/i><\/b> How to Balance Relationship and Career and Work: 10 Tips to Try<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
6. Everyday sadists <\/b><\/h3>\n
7. Challenge the status quo<\/b><\/h3>\n
8. Drama is familiar <\/b><\/h3>\n
9. Attracted to the macabre <\/b><\/h3>\n
10. Low empathy <\/b><\/h3>\n