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“Happiness is an ongoing process of fresh challenges, and it takes the right attitudes and activities to continue to be happy.” American psychologist Ed Diener was the leading expert in happiness and subjective well-being. <\/span>Happy couples might look perfect but there’s a lot of work that goes on within. <\/b><\/p>\n You might feel jealous, depressed or even helpless when you see those seemingly perfect couples. They could even make you feel guilty for not sharing a similar bond with your spouse. They may make you want to<\/span> improve your relationship<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n Whatever your feelings toward those couples, it’s hard not to notice their mutual respect and understanding. They seem to just appreciate each other with their whole demeanor. <\/span><\/p>\n So, how in the world do they do it? <\/span>Communication is often the foundation but what does that really mean?<\/b> Communicating isn’t just about what goes on externally. It’s impacted by your thoughts, feelings and assumptions. <\/span>To be happy as a couple, you have to know yourself. <\/b><\/p>\n The good news is that you can develop healthy habits and train your mind. You too can then be part of a happy couple by starting with some of these dos and don’ts. <\/span><\/p>\n One of the major things happy couples do is that they let go of blame games and power struggles. Be honest and ask yourself how much you blame your partner or others when things go wrong. Blame can be attractive because it can make us feel superior. <\/span><\/p>\n Nevertheless, <\/span>if you truly want a <\/b>successful relationship<\/b><\/a>, you need to understand your blame and power triggers. <\/b>Do you feel entitled to a certain lifestyle? How much does fear of rejection trigger your anger? What about expecting perfection from your partner? <\/span><\/p>\n The more you get to know yourself, the more you can let go of blame and the need for power. <\/b>You can then share equal responsibility for solving problems with your partner. As this study on<\/span> relational empowerment<\/span><\/a> demonstrates, this takes emotion regulation and empathy. <\/span><\/p>\n If you’re fully committed to the relationship and to making your partner happy, without being submissive of course, your positive feelings will gradually go up. The following dos and don’ts will then become natural habits. <\/span><\/p>\n Marriage can become monotonous if you aren’t careful. One day blends into the next one, then all of a sudden, it’s 50 years down the line and you’re lucky if you can still hear or see each other.<\/span><\/p>\n To break the monotony up, <\/span>happy couples surprise their loved ones with an unexpected gift or act of kindness from time to time<\/b>. They know that if they just go through the motions, their old “go-to” moves will lose their flavor fast.<\/span><\/p>\n Fellas, flowers on a random Thursday will stick in her brain more effectively than the ones that you get her every year for your anniversary. Ladies, surprising him with the golf club he’s been eyeing will be remembered for years.<\/span><\/p>\n It’s not that anniversary gifts or birthday gifts are less meaningful; it’s just that they’re more expected. You’re not surprising anyone when that anniversary date rolls around. The gift is anticipated, therefore less memorable.<\/span><\/p>\n Take notes from happy couples and do something nice for your spouse when it’s unexpected. You’ll thank me later.<\/span><\/p>\n Since marriage is a lengthy courtship, compliments may fall by the wayside over time. You may think that since you said “I love you” 1,000 times and told your partner that they look good from time to time, you’ve done enough.<\/span><\/p>\n You’re wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n Happy couples never stop complimenting each other<\/b>. As time wears on, it’s absolutely necessary to keep your partner in the loop on how you feel and what you’re thinking. <\/span><\/p>\n A happy couple knows that each of them is human and they both all need reassurance at times. If they feel like they’re not into each other anymore, some nasty things could potentially happen. <\/span><\/p>\n They could start looking for compliments elsewhere, which could easily put a strain on the trust and <\/span>honesty within your relationship<\/span><\/a>. It could also start to erode their self-worth and make them become a shell of their former self. <\/span><\/p>\n You may have married a radiant woman or dashing young man, but if you stop telling them these truths, they’ll forget faster than you do.<\/b><\/p>\n Keep the compliments coming.<\/span><\/p>\n Resentment is an insidious poison in any relationship,<\/span><\/a> and in a marriage, it can lead to separation or divorce faster than you’d think.<\/span><\/p>\n Happy couples stop resentment at its roots by clearly communicating with each other and trying to authentically resolve issues as they arise in the relationship. <\/span>No one is perfect and negative emotions are part of being human. <\/b><\/p>\n Tensions will surely be strained at some point during a lifetime of partnership. Happy couples do a great job of letting their arguments not become issues that sit below the surface for years. <\/span><\/p>\n In fact, <\/span>conflict management is one of the secrets of happy couples. It’s even beneficial to keep growing and changing the status quo.<\/b> Happy couples don’t suppress resentment though. They work through different types of communication according to context. <\/span><\/p>\n This<\/span> paper on communication in intimate relationships<\/span><\/a> nicely summarizes the direct versus indirect and cooperation versus opposition approaches. <\/span><\/p>\n In summary, <\/span>the greater your empathy and emotional intelligence, the more adept you become at using the appropriate communication style. <\/b><\/p>\n In good times and bad times, having this routine keeps happy couples happy. It’s the best way to start and end your day, but it’s also a great reminder of the love that you share when things get stagnant or tense.<\/span><\/p>\n Knowing that that kiss is waiting regardless will keep those fights or disagreements in perspective.<\/b> It’s a profound reminder that says, “I know things may be tense right now, but trust that I still love you.”<\/span><\/p>\n Couples that aren’t so happy take little habits like these for granted. They let one night go or let a few mornings pass without showing a little affection to their partner, and then, before you know it, the spark that they had on their wedding day has all but vanished.<\/span><\/p>\n Keep the love alive and give your partner some sugar as you wake up and as you drift off to sleep. <\/span>Couples who are happy know that it’s the little things that make the difference. <\/b><\/p>\n Being grateful and appreciative of your partner makes you happier<\/b>. As this<\/span> article on practicing gratitude<\/span><\/a> states, it can also help you fight depression. <\/span><\/p>\n In essence, showing gratitude releases some happy chemicals in our brains. As this<\/span> article on the neuroscience of gratitude<\/span><\/a> summarizes, the more we release those chemicals, the more we see the positives in life. <\/span><\/p>\n Happy couples don’t just know this, they live it every day. <\/span><\/p>\n Happy couples know that it takes individuals to create a partnership. <\/span>Each one has done their personal work on letting go of judgemental thoughts.<\/b> Moreover, each person approaches the partnership with curiosity and an open mind. <\/span><\/p>\n An important part of this is to listen deeply to your partner. <\/b>What is their reality like and what are they experiencing? How are your assumptions clouding your views? <\/span>With empathy, you can then share what you feel and what you need. <\/b><\/p>\n A useful framework for approaching conversations calmly is the<\/span> non-violent communication framework<\/span><\/a>. It takes a bit of practice but the idea is to use I-statements to state what you observe and what you feel. This moves you away from the <\/span>blame game<\/span><\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n Generally, happy couples in love want to take time out for each other. Having said that, life’s stressors sometimes take over. Perhaps you have a sick child or financial worries? <\/span><\/p>\n It can be hard to take time out in those situations. Nevertheless, that’s when you need it the most. It isn’t about splurging out in a restaurant, it’s simply to be there for each other. <\/span>You don’t even have to talk because touch communication is just as impactful. <\/b><\/p>\n Sitting next to each other on the sofa watching a 20-minute show can be enough. You can also read a book, listen to some music or go for a walk. Whatever it is, make sure you make space for each other. <\/span><\/p>\n If you want to be part of a happy couple, you need to get to know your emotions. <\/b>Otherwise, the danger is that they’ll be in control of you. How often do you say something you don’t really mean or fly off the handle for what seems to be little reason? <\/span><\/p>\n All those reactions are deep subconscious triggers that need to be resolved.<\/b> A useful technique for getting to know your emotions is journaling. You can simply write your stream of consciousness.<\/span><\/p>\n Another way to do journaling is to reflect back on the day and consider what emotions were in play when you were triggered. The more you make <\/span>sense of your emotions<\/span><\/a> through writing, the easier you can preempt your triggers. <\/span><\/p>\n Of course, the work is harder than it sounds and often it’s worth working with a therapist. <\/span>Nevertheless, happy couples talk about their emotions and how they feel. They’re not afraid to be open about them and to help each other make sense of them. <\/b><\/p>\n It’s beneficial to know what other couples do when it comes to encouraging compatibility. <\/span>First, they compare values and what’s important to them in life. <\/b>So, for example, do they prioritize adventure and independence over having children?<\/span><\/p>\n It can be mind-boggling to pick out the values that are truly yours versus those dictated by society. For instance, many people only realize too late in their lives that power and money don’t make them happy. <\/span><\/p>\n If you’re not sure what your values are, have a look at this video which talks you through some practical steps for determining your priorities:<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>15 dos and don’ts that happy couples follow differently<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
1. Do: Unexpected acts of kindness <\/b><\/h3>\n
2. Don’t: Stop complimenting<\/b><\/h3>\n
3. Do: Nip resentment in the bud<\/b><\/h3>\n
4. Don’t: Start or end your day without a kiss <\/b><\/h3>\n
5. Do: Focus on the positives your partner brings <\/b><\/h3>\n
6. Don’t: Blame but look inside first <\/b><\/h3>\n
7. Do Spend quality time together regularly <\/b><\/h3>\n
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<\/p>\nRelated Reading: <\/i><\/b>11 Ways to Spend Some Quality Time With Your Partner<\/span><\/i><\/a><\/pre>\n
8. Don’t: Suppress your emotions <\/b><\/h3>\n
9. Do: Align your values and goals <\/b><\/h3>\n