![\"How](\"https:\/\/image.marriage.com\/advice\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/How-to-Stop-Losing-Yourself-in-Relationships1.jpg\" "\\"How")
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There’s something about losing yourself in a relationship that is abstract as it sounds. Left-brainers and pragmatists might argue: “How can you lose yourself? You’re right there.”<\/span><\/p>\n If you’ve experienced it though, you know it.<\/span><\/p>\n It might take some time before you realize it. It might hit you in the face suddenly like a ton of bricks. Or it might nag at you every day, whispering in your ear “this is not who you really are”.<\/span><\/p>\n Either way, losing yourself in a relationship is a dangerous path that can only lead to a disempowered, less-fulfilling existence, and experience of life.<\/span><\/p>\n A disempowered and less-fulfilled you.<\/span><\/p>\n While it’s true that losing yourself in a relationship doesn’t mean that you turn into a ghost or leave your body, it does mean that you lose your connection to your inner self – specifically to your desires, wants, and needs that make you a unique human being.<\/span><\/p>\n Here are some sure signs that you have lost that inner-connection to yourself within your relationship:<\/span><\/p>\n Reading the list above sounds absolutely awful and begs the question: How does this happen? Why do you lose yourself in a relationship?<\/span><\/p>\n The answer is Attachment.<\/span><\/p>\n You became attached to your partner and addicted to them under the false pretense that they could fill up something that is empty within you.<\/span><\/p>\n Many Spiritual teachings say that this empty feeling began at birth. You felt whole and complete in your Mother’s womb, but when you came into the world you had to separate from this feeling of wholeness (sometimes known as ‘Oneness’) only to spend the rest of your life searching for the wholeness again.<\/span><\/p>\n So the most fascinating part of being attached to your partner is the reality that the longing isn’t even about them. It’s about you.<\/b><\/p>\n It’s you wanting what feels good and chasing that feeling.<\/span><\/p>\n Maybe your partner made you feel amazing at the beginning of your relationship<\/a>. You felt wanted, desired, loved, and whole. Then, like drug addicts who turn to stealing to support their habit, you kept chasing after that amazing feeling even though it was no longer there. You kept running to your partner thinking they would bring you that good feeling again when in fact you were only running farther and farther from yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n You might have also adopted the habit of acting in ways you think others want you to act from your relationship with your parents (or primary caregivers) in early childhood.<\/span><\/p>\n Perhaps at a very early age you decided that you would do anything to please your parents — including deciphering which version of you got them to love and acknowledge you the most. You learned to play a role with those closest to you in order to win their love instead of simply being yourself, and this behavior was repeated in your romantic relationship(s).<\/span><\/p>\n Another explanation is what we call in the field of psychology an<\/span> “Insecure Attachment”<\/span><\/a>. This means your primary caregiver was not able to meet your unique desires and physical or emotional needs when you were a baby.<\/span><\/p>\n You were most likely fed according to schedule (or maybe even an “expert’s” schedule) instead of simply when you were hungry. Or maybe you were forced into bed at 7 pm every night, regardless of whether you were tired or not. <\/span><\/p>\n Perhaps you had no choice of what clothes you wore from day to day. From these kinds of occurrences, you learned to defer your instinctual needs and desires to your caretakers and loved ones.<\/span><\/p>\n Most likely you weren’t given the space to articulate your own needs. As a result, you involuntarily submitted them to your parents, became too scared to be (or take care of) yourself, and then “re-enacted” or repeated this pattern in romantic relationships later in life.<\/span><\/p>\n Now that you understand more about why you lost yourself in your relationship, it begs the question: How do you connect to our own internal needs to find yourself again?<\/span><\/p>\n You practice.<\/b><\/p>\n Practice getting in touch with yourself and connecting to your own needs every single day.<\/b><\/p>\n Here are some tips and tools for you to practice finding yourself again:<\/span><\/p>\n Check-in with yourself regarding the day’s activities including feeding yourself, attending to your work, interacting with others, being active, or nourishing yourself:<\/span><\/p>\n Take the time to truly listen to yourself for what’s in your own best interest, regardless of your partner’s needs or what you feel like you “should” be doing. Trust your own internal messages to develop a strong sense of yourself and your desires.<\/span><\/p>\n You can also practice checking-in with yourself several times throughout the day, “What do I need at this moment?” What are my needs right now? What do I desire?”<\/span><\/p>\n If you find that you are often putting your partners’ needs before your own, stop yourself and see where you can at the very least create a balance within the relationship<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>What does losing yourself look like?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
<\/span>So why do we lose ourselves in relationships?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\n<\/span>How to find yourself again<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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