{"id":16318,"date":"2017-08-01T06:51:41","date_gmt":"2017-08-01T06:51:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=16318"},"modified":"2026-09-25T09:55:41","modified_gmt":"2026-09-25T09:55:41","slug":"how-to-argue-and-not-fight-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/communication\/how-to-argue-and-not-fight-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"7 Rules of Fair Fighting In A Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"Couple<\/p>\n

“Can we talk about the credit card bill?”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

“Here we go again.”<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Ten minutes later, nobody’s talking about the bill. You’re on to the anniversary that got forgotten two years ago, and whose family is the problem. You both go to bed feeling misunderstood, and the bill is still unpaid.<\/span><\/p>\n

Plenty of couples who love each other get stuck in this loop, and it can leave you wondering whether the two of you are any good at this. Knowing the rules of fair-fighting in marriage doesn’t mean agreeing more or keeping quiet to keep the peace.<\/span><\/p>\n

Arguing is two people working on a problem. Fighting is when two people work against each other. <\/span><\/p>\n

To keep a disagreement on the arguing side, calm your body before you speak, name the problem instead of your partner’s character, stick to one issue, and pause, rather than walk out, when either of you gets overwhelmed.<\/span><\/p>\n

You’ll still disagree. What can change is what happens next. The sections below cover each of those moves, what studies of married couples found about them, and the situations where the usual advice doesn’t fit.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Is It Normal For Married Couples To Argue?<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

Yes. Two people sharing money, time, and space, and often children and extended family, will disagree, sometimes a lot. How those disagreements go matters more than how often they happen.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you’ve worried that arguing itself means something is wrong, a long-running Michigan study is useful here.<\/span><\/p>\n

Kira Birditt and colleagues<\/span><\/a> followed 373 American couples, through their first 16 years of marriage. In their 2010 paper in the Journal of Marriage and Family, the destructive conflict behaviors spouses reported in their first year predicted a higher chance of divorce later on.<\/span><\/p><\/div>\n

The findings rest on what spouses said about their own behavior. They show a pattern that predicted divorce, not proof of what caused it.<\/span><\/p>\n

What the study measured was how couples handle conflict. That’s also the part you have some say over.<\/span><\/p>\n

Before you read the steps, it can help to see your own pattern clearly. Answer these privately, and don’t decide yet what the answers mean:<\/span><\/p>\n