{"id":14811,"date":"2017-04-13T11:17:37","date_gmt":"2017-04-13T11:17:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/?p=14811"},"modified":"2023-02-03T18:44:58","modified_gmt":"2023-02-03T18:44:58","slug":"what-makes-the-abuser-tick","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.marriage.com\/advice\/domestic-violence-and-abuse\/what-makes-the-abuser-tick\/","title":{"rendered":"What is Relationship Abuse and What Makes the Abusers Tick?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"What<\/p>\n

Relationship abuse is a common terminology explicitly coined to refer to threats, verbal abuse<\/a>, isolation, intimidation, physical\/sexual harassment, mental\/psychological torments<\/strong> and so on meted out to the victim within the realms of a so-called romantic relationship.<\/p>\n

Yet, the romantic relationship of any sort is meant to be a place of comfort, warmth, affection, care, and safety. <\/span><\/p>\n

Romantic partners ought to support each other, grow together, and be able to lean on each other. And although relationships are rarely, if ever, perfect, expecting those basic features truly isn’t too much. <\/span><\/p>\n

Still, so many abusers and their victims live their shared lives in a way that contradicts this foundational truth. And so many are entirely oblivious to that fact. <\/span><\/p>\n

The reason lies in the dynamics between the abused and the aggressor, the dynamics that make them a perfect fit, however contradictory that might sound. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>Why do abusers abuse?<\/span><\/h2>\n

So, what are the causes of abuse in intimate relationships? Every abuse is an attempt to control the victim. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Every abuser, same as every victim, suffers from overwhelming insecurity. Deep-seated insecurities, a false sense of entitlement, child abuse and neglect, substance abuse and unrealistic expectations<\/strong> are a few of the causes of abuse in relationships. <\/span><\/p>\n

The abuser will always find something to blame as what caused physical or psychological abuse. All this while, leaving the victim battered and lost<\/a>. <\/span><\/p>\n

To explore the mind of the abuser and victim, we first need to acknowledge that a staggering number of people fall prey to abuse.<\/span><\/p>\n

On average nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by their partner<\/a>, here are a few other illuminating facts about what causes physical abuse<\/a> to help you understand what breeds relationship abuse. <\/span><\/p>\n

But the chances are the web of explanations and rationalizations around the relationship abuse is so complex, that it becomes nearly impossible to untangle it. <\/span><\/p>\n

This is also why so many victims of relationship abuse ask themselves if they really are being in an abusive relationship – something that usually sounds completely absurd to the outside observer.<\/span><\/p>\n

Related Reading: <\/strong>Sexual Abuse in Marriage – Is There Really Such a Thing?<\/a><\/em><\/pre>\n
<\/span>What escapes the eye<\/span><\/h2>\n
It’s fairly easy to blame the perpetrator for abusive behavior<\/a> in relationships. <\/span><\/p>\n
It’s also often very simple to be judgmental of the victim as well. An aggressor is just an evil person with abusive tendencies who doesn’t deserve any sympathy. And the victim should have been stronger and more assertive and should have never let that happen to them. However, even though abuse cannot ever be excused, the matter is a bit more psychologically complex.<\/span><\/p>\n
The abuser, especially when the abuse is purely emotional, often does not perceive what they are doing as abuse at all. <\/span><\/p>\n
How is that possible? Well, when asked to explain their behavior, most of the aggressors in relationships feel very strongly that they were just setting their partner straight<\/strong>, trying to make them do the right thing – whatever they consider is the right thing. <\/span><\/p>\n
For example, if they were suspecting their partner was cheating on them<\/a>, the abuse that ensued came as a means of making the “cheater” have respect and be honorable. <\/span><\/p>\n
If they worked really hard to separate the victim from her friends and family so that they can control them easier, they often honestly believe that they did it because of the “bad influence” that had been coming from the side of those people.<\/span><\/p>\n
<\/span>The abusers also don’t realize their sense of insecurity<\/span><\/h2>\n
The lack of self-confidence that they feel proves to be elusive, as many aggressors don’t know how to experience different emotions other than anger. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n
If their partner seems aloof, even though the perpetrator’s genuine reaction is fear and emotional pain, their mind is hardwired so that it doesn’t allow them to feel that way. <\/span><\/p>\n
Experiencing anxiety<\/a> and despair in the face of the prospect of being abandoned by the one we love is more difficult than just be angry and act out in that anger. <\/span><\/p>\n
So, the aggressor’s mind protects them from an array of negative emotions and gives them a safe alternative – rage.<\/span><\/p>\n
Recognizing what is abuse in a relationship can sometimes be a challenge. Watch this video on confronting the abuser for abusive behavior.<\/p>\n