Most of my clients come to me wanting me to point out some great glaring wisdom or frankly just agree with them, that their partner is “selfish, ignores their needs and the cause for their unhappiness” or “why do the men in my life treat me this way, when my friends seem to get the cute texts and guys that fall in love with them”.
Sometimes the truth is hidden in plain sight and sometimes hard to swallow.
Bringing the change within
In my experience, it is never the other person’s fault. Whether you have conflict with the cashier, your in-laws or your spouse, ideal relationships start with and end with yourself. All the work must be done there, within. The paradox is when we have an ideal relationship with ourselves that is mirrored everywhere else; which is why this is so hard for people to grasp. When we want to see the results on the “outside” we must first change our internal response.
The ego is the main culprit but not the enemy. The ego is by Eckhart Tolle’s definition- a dysfunctional relationship with the now (the present moment). So, the way the ego sees it, once “they” change then I can be happy. See the dysfunction? The ego constantly chases the carrot in front of the horse, never reaching it. When we stop pressuring others to change, we see the work that can be done on the inside. And in my experience, it is a lot easier than we think.
“We have confused what happened to us with who we really are. This self-denial fractures our sense of self and we experience ourselves as less than whole. ”
So, how do you change your insides, to be content, ideal, centered and in peace?
You start with awareness
Awareness is most efficiently cultivated with mindfulness or meditation practices. Awareness does not take a long time (the ego will tell you that), it simply requires a union with the present moment, without distraction. Only then can one become fully aware of our true thoughts, feelings and hidden patterns.
Internally we can begin to question, “why did he just trigger me so? Or wow that’s funny I was so peaceful until this”. We might historically draw the conclusion that it is the other’s fault and we have a sound defense for why that’s so. But it’s simply not true.
Everyone else is mirroring to you your energetic patterns. It is physics. Our deepest beliefs and wounds end up creating our reality. Therefore, if we learn in early childhood that “men can’t be trusted” or “women are emotionally hurtful” then we will continue to unconsciously seek to defend that belief by manifesting relationships that are in alignment with that belief. Then our ego, can say “see I told you so, you can’t trust men”. Although we aren’t conscious of this pattern most of the time, we can become conscious of this and eventually kill the dysfunctional relationship with the now. This process alone will dramatically influence your internal relationship, with the present moment and each form the present moment takes. The key is to look within, make friends with the now and build awareness to prevent getting swept up again in the dysfunction.