Marriage experts discourage long periods of separation, why? It builds mistrust and communicates unwillingness from both parties to come back together. At the same time, they also advocate for a period where both parties give each other time to heal from past experiences and all issues that led to the marriage breakdown, put into a deep perspective from both parties.
Taking a break to give your partner a chance to realize and admit some of the mistakes is fruitful in the marriage set up. In addition, if you need a change in character then you need to give each other time for self-evaluation and deep thinking for all parties to accommodate the new changes – a condition for coming back together.
When both parties are committed to spending the rest of their days on earth as husband and wife; first, there should be 100 % commitment from all partners to prove their willingness for the marriage restoration. Imagine of 10 years of separation, a lot happens in one’s life, probably new friends, new relationships or even a change in lifestyle which might cause trouble once again in the marriage set up. With the help of a counselor and third parties, a maximum of a year is a good time for a healthy separation.
What are the indicators of a healthy separation?
1. There is constant communication
Mature conversation without blame in a bid to solve the issues in marriage characterizes a healthy separation. It means all parties have the will and determination to come back together as soon as possible. In case you moved out of the home because of your partner’s behavior which you had earlier brought to their attention with no change then more reconciliation effort should come from him/her. A clear indication is now willing to make a complete change. It is not the time to judge but time to give him all the support. However, verbal utterances might be deceiving just to cover the guilt, look for other character traits to prove the willingness to have a complete transformation. Using the right skills without being emotional about the issues shortens the separation period.
You made the first step to think of the separation; of course, the other partner supported the idea. If you are the only person trying to make a comeback while your partner is comfortable with the arrangement it lengthens the separation time. Probably he/she needs more time to have a comprehensive self-evaluation to look at the issues from your perspective and feel the depth at which he/she hurts your feelings.
3. Honor of agreement
You have to discuss the direction and roles each person plays during this separation period. Does your partner fulfill the promises? Do you also honor the agreement? Does he/she also go an extra mile as a proof of willingness to shorten the period? You may even agree on the period but to honor it, ensure you solve all the challenges to come up with a fresh beginning. The fact that both of you maintain their boundaries in line with the agreement during separation; it shortens the separation time. Take note, check for indicators for actions that just want to make you happy rather than have a permanent change. If it is just to boost your ego, you are bound to get back and within no time you are headed for a divorce.
Yes, you involve the third parties and marriage counselors. Ensure both of you honor the promises you make before them. You will understand this from your partner’s engagements. If your main reason for separation was infidelity, then from one’s effort you can you gauge his level of remorsefulness? Is one open enough to give you reasons for this and if possible engage the person to prove the end of the relationship? Honesty builds trust which gives you an opportunity to forgive one another. Of course, you will just need a short time to reflect and heal then continue with your happy married life without many hitches.
In marriage, your actions may give a wrong signal to your partner. It is important for one to communicate one’s feelings to come to a compromise. When there is constant bruising of one’s emotional state it develops to resentment which further leads to separation. All parties must be open to each other at this time and let them know of the effect of their actions to the marriage. Before a marriage professional, choose a strategy ideal for a solution to the challenges with love and respect.
There is no long or short time for a separation, it all depends on the willingness and commitment of all the parties. What matters, is that there progress in the marriage resolution process during the time of separation.