Every relationship is different, but one thing in common for each one of them is that they all take some work, more or less. If you feel like your relationship is too difficult to handle and if you are stuck in a tiring loophole, you need to ask yourself, honestly, is this the person you want to be with.
After some clear-minded, detailed introspection, if you still think that he is the one, try everything in your ability to make it work. Maybe you and your partner are just repeating the same unconstructive patterns that lead to painful consequences. If you both put some effort to change your unhealthy behaviors and self-develop, things could get better.
For it to turn from a toxic relationship to a healthy one, prepare yourself for some hard work. You need to have strong, determined will, and it must be mutual.
Have an honest conversation with your partner
For things to work out, an open communication is necessary. Most of the disagreements come out of misunderstandings and it is all because we don’t express our thoughts and feelings.
We tend to see things from our own perspective and assume that the partner holds on to the same information as we do. But, your partner has a different mindset, and he is probably thinking about the things that didn’t even cross your mind. So, stop assuming that he knows what you are thinking about and speak it out.
It is important to be extremely honest and direct in communication, no matter how harsh it may sound. Some things that you say may be painful, but if you don’t say them out loud, they are going to slowly rot your relationship.
Set your boundaries
People are going to treat you the way you allow them to. If someone disrespects you and you say nothing about it, they will assume it is okay to do that. Express your dissatisfaction, so the other person knows how to behave around you.
The key is to be direct and explain to your partner why do those things bother you, so the other person understands where you come from. For example, “I don’t like it when you call me while I am with my friends, it makes me feel like you are checking on me and it hurts that you don’t trust me. I want to spend some quality time with them, not on the phone with you.”
And then, stop accepting calls while you are with your friends, respect your own boundaries. Stick with it. And whenever something like that happens, share your discontent immediately. Don’t hold it in and wait until you snap up and then yell at your partner for something they didn’t even know they’ve done wrong. It is important not to dramatize and to do it assertively.
See a counselor
If the open conversation and setting boundaries don’t work, then you need help from a professional. A therapist is the only person who can be objective and who is trained to help you develop constructive behaviors.
You could learn how to communicate more appropriately, realize what the weakest and strongest points in your relationship are. After therapy, your problems will not go away. You will just learn how to deal with them and become more resilient. It’ll help you get unstuck and learn how to resolve things and not go through the same issues again and again.
But be aware that therapy doesn’t mean paying someone to fix all of your problems. You still have to put in a lot of effort. A therapist is there only to guide you and help you see things from a new perspective. It is your job to use all these new tools and do the dirty work of fixing the problems.
You are not anyone’s savior
You could change your habits, your behavior, but you can’t change the core of your personality, and so can’t your partner. So, you must accept them for what they are, not try to fix them or control them all the time. Don’t try to build a perfect partner for yourself.
Your partner’s actions are their responsibility and not realizing it could make your partner feel like you don’t like them for what they are and therefore, their confidence could be ruined. You want them to feel good about themselves in your relationship, so let them decide about their own actions.
On the other hand, if your partner has developed bad habits, you could try to help them get rid of them and give them support, but still, your partner is the only one in this world who could actually turn that bad habit into a good one.
Focus on how you can change yourself for the better and let your partner do the same.