When we are arguing, we often say a lot of things which we do not intend to say to our better half. It is innate human nature to fight over things, instead of resolving things without conflict.
Or so it seems if we look around ourselves. But this is something from which we do not benefit; rather it is most often not in our interests to fight.
The way we say things and the way we convey our wishes is the key to stop any conflict. We could only rephrase our words and make convert our demands into wishes very subtly.
Several issues and conflicts can be avoided
If your partner is sad, instead of simply implying that they should stop being sad, take a moment and sit next to them. Ask them gently about what it is that is disturbing them.
If you are not getting enough attention from your partner, don’t just simply state it that way as your partner might get defensive. Rather rephrase your issue into something that would convey you want to spend more time with them, etc.
If you do not express your needs and desires in a positive way, it will seem as if you are critical.
If a person becomes defensive, it will aggravate the situation
It is the innate human response to become defensive when they are on the receiving end of criticism. If a person becomes defensive, it doesn’t help with resolving the issues; rather it will drag on the conflict for a longer period of time.
No matter how much closer you are to each other, and how much trust you give to your partner, it is not quite possible to listen to a personal attack and still remain rational. In such a case, people tend to become defensive and let go of all rational thought.
This is not determined by the level of happiness you feel when together, rather is how humans behave when facing such a situation.
If you start your complaint and start a discussion with criticism, your better half is very likely to become defensive and start explaining their actions instead of trying to find a middle ground as the solution.
Try to convert any complaint that you might have into a desire
If you really want to resolve issues, you should put forward your emotions in a way that is extremely neutral. Try to convert any complaint that you might have into a desire, a wish, a positive need. It is more likely that your partner would do something if they think it will win and keep your heart.
The negative emotions that we have in regards to our partners often are signs of our utmost desires and what we want from our partners. They are usually indicators of things we value the most. If you will express your desire, it is more likely to be fulfilled. If you simply put it forward in the form of negative emotion, it will be taken up as criticism.
As an example, if you are feeling angry and resentful, it may be an indicator of the fact that you are lonely. If you discuss this with your partner in a positive way, it is more likely that you will be able to resolve this issue as compared to when you would simply stomp around the house angrily and make yourself as well as your partner miserable.
If you really want to have a successful relationship, learn how to transform your criticism into your desires.
It is very hard for people to speak about their feelings
It is very hard for people to speak out their feelings and put out their fears in front of others. While blaming and criticizing comes easy, speaking your heart out takes plenty of courage. People think that telling your better half about your utmost desires and fears makes them vulnerable. This is as wrong as an idea can get. It takes a lot of courage to say what you are feeling, and that makes you a strong person. Not quite many people can come out of their protective shield and discuss their doubts, insecurities, and feelings.
Fear of rejection is very disconcerting. This is a major factor in why people don’t tell their feelings to others. But the truth is that if you own your fears and insecurities, and demand them to be rectified by your partner, it shows that you have the courage to be who you truly are. If you are more emotionally connected with your partner, you are more likely to be open about your feelings.
Also watch: What Is a Relationship Conflict?
It is hard to focus on the wishes that are hiding behind our criticism
. Instead of getting angry and leaving the room when you are fighting, we should try to think about what caused these negative emotions in the first place. If you own your feelings and try to analyze the behavior of your better half while fighting, you will be able to turn your criticism and negative feelings into wishes and desires which are most likely to be fulfilled by your partner.
Being vulnerable, putting your feelings out in the open and speaking your heart out will help you in resolving your conflicts, meeting your needs and maintaining a happy, healthy relationship. You should pay attention to your partner and how they feel. If they are not expressive, keep the helping hand they need in order to come out of their shells. This will help you in having a conflict-free, and an understanding relationship.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together.