21 Reasons to Forgive but Never Forget in a Relationship

It can be said with quite a lot of certainty that most people have been told to forgive and forget at least once in their lives. It is such a common saying, after all.

Although there is a lot of truth to the forgive-and-forget statement, it’s a good idea to think over whether you’d like to follow this saying mindlessly. There is a lot of positivity and strength associated with forgiveness. But let’s rethink the “forget” aspect of the statement.

Forgive but never forget in a relationship is an interesting alternative to the forgive and forget statement, especially in close relationships. So, can you forgive but not forget?

If you want to learn more about how you can forgive but never forget in a relationship, why this tweaked statement works better in intimate relationships, what you can do when forgiveness just isn’t enough, and more, read on.

Forgive but never forget: What does this mean?

So, what does it mean to forgive and forget in a relationship? In order to understand the meaning of this saying, it’s best to break down the statement into two components: forgiveness and forgetting.

To learn why you should forgive but not forget in a relationship, let’s first look at the meaning of forgiveness. Forgiveness is when one lets go of thoughts of revenge and resentment. It is a decision that empowers an individual.

When you choose to forgive, you remain unaffected by past adverse events. Forgiveness is not letting unpleasant past events affect your feelings and thoughts about something or someone in the present.

Forgiveness is often seen in a positive light and strength for various reasons. Forgiveness comes with a host of mental health benefits. Strong negative emotions like anger and grief can be decreased by forgiveness.

Through forgiveness, intense positive emotions like happiness can be increased (intensity and frequency of experiencing happiness). It’s not just that. Forgiveness is also great for one’s self-confidence and self-esteem. Practicing forgiveness can also improve the quality of your intimate relationships.

So, does forgiving mean forgetting? Here’s the important note: forgiving is not forgetting. Yes, that’s right. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. The act of forgiveness is more about letting go of your anger, sadness, disappointments, and frustration.

Forgetting, on the other hand, is extremely difficult to do. It also isn’t necessarily healthy. It is pretty close to impossible to forget and forgive. Why? Because people’s (hurtful) behaviors and actions are significant episodes that we store as memories.

And not being able to forget these significant episodes or encounters with people is quite advantageous. So, can you forgive and not forget? Simply put, yes. It is entirely possible to practice forgiveness but not forget why you’re forgiving someone.

21 reasons to forgive but don’t forget in romantic relationships

Forgiveness is not just a gesture of kindness toward another; it’s a necessary step for healing and moving forward. However, forgetting the lessons learned from those missteps can lead to repeated patterns of hurt. 

Here are the top 21 reasons why forgiving but never forgetting in romantic relationships is essential, ensuring both partners grow stronger, more empathetic, and more resilient together.

1. Forgiveness is essential for one’s emotional well-being

The inability to forgive someone leads to many pent-up negative emotions like bitterness and anger. Holding onto these negative emotions can have dire consequences like irritability, physical illnesses, poor mental health, etc.

When you forgive but never forget, moving past those negative feelings positively impacts your emotional well-being.

2. Forgiveness is great for strengthening close relationships

Relationships are complex. The thing is, past experiences (pleasant and unpleasant) are essential for enabling relationships to deepen and grow. Forgiving loved ones for unpleasant experiences helps strengthen the commitment in these relationships.

3. Forgiving but not forgetting enables individuals to learn from their past experiences

When you forgive but never forget in a relationship, you get the chance to learn from your past experiences about where things went wrong, how they can be avoided next time and the solution.

4. It is instrumental in maintaining and improving accountability in relationship

Friends, partners, and relatives are held accountable for their acceptance and unacceptable behaviors and actions when you practice forgiveness without forgetting.

It is because your loved ones understand that although you can be generous enough to forgive, you will not forget why and what they did to upset you.

5. Forgiving without forgetting is crucial for your self-respect

When you forgive someone for their wrongdoings, you’re standing up for yourself but making it abundantly clear that the incident will not be forgotten. It shows that you respect yourself.

6. Forgiving without forgetting shows the importance of building trust

Practicing forgiveness without forgetting shows people that you value trust in relationships. The fact that you have not forgotten the incident shows that the one who has been forgiven has to work to earn back your trust.

7. Forgiving without forgetting also shows that you are not naive

When you show others that you haven’t forgotten significant betrayals or wrongdoings, it shows them you are not a gullible or naive person.

8. Moving towards the future

Forgiveness is a strength. It is healing. You are healing yourself when you can forgive someone who has harmed or betrayed you. You’re not holding onto bitterness, anger, or frustration. You’re moving toward your future.

9. It’s not healthy to deny the occurrence of rude or hurtful behavior

Being in denial or repressing unpleasant experiences where people close to you have betrayed you or hurt you in some way is not at all healthy for your well-being.

10. It shows that you’re aware of the fact that you deserve to be treated well

Forgiveness without forgetting requires you to establish healthy boundaries. When you establish healthy boundaries, you are particular about how you like to be treated by others.

11. It is great self-growth and improvement

Moving past thoughts of resentment and feelings of anger and frustration, along with the ability to empathize with the one who has hurt you, are all signs of self-growth and improvement.

12. Forgiving without forgetting is an effective way to warn those who have hurt you

Setting particular standards for acceptable behavior, along with consequences for overstepping the boundaries, shows those around you the kind of consequences they have to face if they betray you.

13. You will be able to avoid feeling regretful

Having regrets about how you could’ve reacted when someone betrayed you in the past can cause significant distress. It’s very distressing to be in the ‘never forgive me, never forget me’ mindset. That’s why it’s important to forgive but not forget in a relationship.

14. It’ll improve your ability to identify the right type of people

Remembering how you’ve been wronged or hurt (only significant experiences) can be instrumental in identifying people who can be potentially harmful to you, as well as finding people who are good for you.

15. It’s good for humility

When you have successfully moved past the negative feelings and thoughts that you held for the person who hurt you in some way without forgetting why and what happened, it can be a humbling experience.

Understanding why that person intended to hurt you is a reminder of how all human beings come with their fair share of flaws.

16. It is instrumental in understanding and implementing some degree of detachment

Establishing healthy boundaries and learning to separate an individual from their hurtful actions are essential in the process of detaching yourself a little bit.

The degree of detachment in question is just enough, so you don’t get easily affected by people’s harsh criticisms and hurtful behaviors.

17. It enhances your assertiveness

The act of forgiving someone who has hurt you without forgetting how and in what way they hurt you shows that you’re capable of being assertive without being aggressive.

18. It’s instrumental in controlling one’s anger

Forgiveness is not forgetting. As mentioned already, to practice forgiveness effectively, resentment and anger have to be overcome. So, when you try to be more forgiving in your relationships, you learn to control and regulate negative emotions like anger and resentment.

19. Forgiving and not forgetting also protects you from getting exploited in the future

You’ll learn a lot when you go through tough life experiences where you’ve been betrayed, hurt, or angered by someone close to you. When you practice forgiveness without forgetting, you have the opportunity to learn.

You will identify the causes, reasons, signs, etc., of people’s unacceptable behaviors. You can then use this information to protect yourself from exploitation.

20. Helpful in accepting that others can’t be changed

The ability to effectively empathize with others and understand their motives to forgive but never forget in a relationship can help you understand how changing the people around you isn’t possible. You’ll realize how others’ actions are beyond your control.

21. Promotes Peaceful Conflict Resolution

Embracing forgiveness while retaining the lessons learned promotes a culture of peaceful conflict resolution within a relationship. It encourages the idea that disagreements and misunderstandings can be handled without resorting to bitterness or retaliation. 

Individuals can approach conflicts with a resolution mindset and understanding by focusing on forgiveness rather than punishment or revenge. This approach not only aids in resolving the current issue but also lays the groundwork for handling future conflicts more constructively.

7 tips to forgive but not forget in romantic relationships

Anger and resentment can make it difficult for anyone to be forgiving. Anger and resentment are the fundamental obstacles one must overcome to forgive, not forget, in relationships.

Working on your thoughts of resentment and revenge and feelings of anger is crucial if you desire to prioritize and improve your spiritual well-being and emotional well-being.

So, if you want to know how to forgive but not forget, here are 7 key tips for incorporating forgiveness in close and valued relationships. Follow these tips mentioned below to forgive but never forget in a relationship:

1. It is essential to separate an individual from their (hurtful) action/behavior

The first thing you can consider understanding and slowly accepting is that it is rare to find fundamentally “good” or “bad” people. People can engage in bad behaviors or act in ways that can make you feel hurt or angry.

Once an individual can be clearly separated from their incorrect actions, it can become easier to forgive that person.

2. Understand their intentions

Every individual uses coping and defense mechanisms to function in life and deal with life’s difficulties. The best way to explain one’s behavior is by identifying the reason behind it.

People who say or do hurtful or mean things are usually doing it because they’re attempting to compensate for the pain or insecurities that they feel within.

3. Empathizing with the one you want to forgive is essential

To forgive but not forget, it is important to empathize with the person you want to forgive in a relationship. Empathy is entirely different from sympathy. When you empathize, you attempt to identify the feelings and thoughts of the person you want to forgive.

When you can identify the thoughts and feelings of the person you want to forgive, it’ll be easier for you to separate the action from the individual.

4. Establishing healthy boundaries for yourself

It is a core aspect of the concept of forgiving but never forgetting. After empathizing, you’ll be in an excellent position to determine what kind of boundaries or rules you want to have in place.

Decide on the rules that’ll play a significant role in governing the relationship between you and the one who has been forgiven.

5. Communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and expectations

Open and honest communication is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. When forgiving someone, it’s essential to express how their actions affected you and to discuss your expectations moving forward.

It not only facilitates healing but also helps to set a clear framework for what is acceptable in the relationship. By articulating your feelings and expectations, you make it possible for your partner to understand the depth of the impact of their actions and the importance of change.

6. Practice self-reflection and personal growth

Forgiving someone while remembering the lesson requires a great deal of self-awareness. Engage in self-reflection to understand your feelings, reactions, and the boundaries you need to set for your well-being. 

The process of introspection can also lead to personal growth, as it encourages you to consider your role in the relationship dynamics and how you can respond to challenges more constructively in the future.

7. Focus on rebuilding trust through consistent actions

Forgiveness opens the door to rebuilding a relationship, but trust is rebuilt through consistent, positive actions over time. After forgiving someone, observe if their actions align with their words and the changes they promised. 

Trust is earned by demonstrating reliability, integrity, and commitment to the relationship. Focusing on rebuilding trust ensures that forgiveness leads to a stronger, more secure connection where both partners feel valued and understood.

What you can do when forgiveness is not enough

Forgiveness is pivotal in healing intimate relationships that have been broken. However, there may be situations where the relationship is past healing or repairing through forgiveness. It’s in these situations forgiveness might not be enough. Forgiveness isn’t enough for abusive relationships (verbally, emotionally, financially, physically).

If you realize that despite putting in the effort required to forgive but not forget in a relationship, the feelings (negative emotions) remain unchanged, then forgiveness isn’t enough. You can consider taking the help of a relationship counselor to see if there is any hope left.

Watch this video where relationship and marriage consultant Geoffrey Setiawan explains how you can rebuild trust in your relationship:

FAQs

Here are concise answers to some frequently asked questions about the concept of forgiveness, especially in the context of “forgive but never forget.”

• What is the saying forgive but never forget?

The saying “forgive but never forget” emphasizes the importance of pardoning someone for their wrongdoings while retaining the lessons learned from the experience. It encourages moving past bitterness without losing the wisdom gained from the situation.

• Is it okay to forgive but not forget?

Yes, it is perfectly okay to forgive but not forget. This approach allows individuals to heal from hurt while also safeguarding themselves against future harm by remembering the lessons learned from past experiences.

• What does God say about forgiving but not forgetting?

In many religious texts, forgiveness is highly valued, suggesting that one should forgive others as a virtue. While not explicitly stated, the concept of not forgetting can be interpreted as retaining wisdom and learning from experiences to avoid repeating mistakes.

• What is the famous quote about forgive and forget?

A famous quote related to this topic is by Alexander Pope: “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” This quote highlights the noble quality of forgiveness but does not directly address the aspect of forgetting, underscoring forgiveness as a virtue.

To summarize

Romantic relationships extend beyond the simple act of forgiving and forgetting. The essence of a healthy, enduring partnership lies in the ability to forgive, thereby releasing the burden of resentment and bitterness that can tarnish love’s vibrancy.

Yet, it is equally crucial to retain the lessons learned from past experiences. This delicate balance ensures that forgiveness does not become synonymous with naivety, allowing both partners to grow from their experiences, avoid repeating harmful patterns, and build a stronger, more understanding relationship.