If you pay attention to romance novels and more, you get the feeling that our country is in great shape regarding relationships.
If you read many of the women’s magazines today, they’re giving us all these tips on how to make our current relationship even better… When our current relationship may actually suck and be beyond repair.
Why are so many relationships in such terrible shape?
Just a few years ago, I was on a radio show and the host asked me about my opinion regarding love and relationships in our country.
What I said shocked her, and her audience so much so, that she became baffled and didn’t even know how to continue the conversation.
So what was it that I said that absolutely made her head spin?
- After being in the world of counseling and life coaching for over 30 years, it’s easy for me to acknowledge that 80% of our love relationships are either terrible, unfixable or in a lot of trouble.
- 55% of first marriages end in divorce.
- 70% of second marriages end in divorce.
- 78% of the third marriages end in divorce.
- And if that isn’t scary enough, many people who stay together for a lifetime while living in hell on earth, in dysfunctional codependent relationships where people are either struggling with addiction, control issues, passive-aggressive behavior and more.
How did we get ourselves in such a terrible position in relationships
In my brand new book, a mystical romance novel called “Angel on a surfboard“, we take the readers on a wild ride through the Hawaiian islands as the lead character Sandy Tavish tries to uncover the six most important keys to deep love… In order to help turn around the horrendous nature of our personal romantic relationships in this country.
What he finds in meeting people, who are searching for deep love, is that they all have some very similar characteristics:
1. They don’t wait long enough in between relationships
And instead jump from one person to another, without evaluating their role in the breakdown of their previous love with intimate partners.
2. Most people don’t know how to truly love themselves
He also finds out that most people don’t know what it means to truly love themselves, and when we can’t or don’t understand how to love ourselves, we are probably going to attract other people that don’t know how to love themselves either.
If we struggle with codependency, addiction to drugs or alcohol or food or spending… Those negative habits, which are a sign of self sabotage, are going to come into play to help destroy any type of relationship we may find ourselves in.
3. Most people are afraid of being alone
In one of his encounters with a gorgeous woman on the island of Oahu, who had just ended a three-year relationship two days before she met Sandy, she tried to seduce him by telling him that she knew he was the one for her… And his reply?
“Mandi, it’s way too soon for you and I to be intimate together, you just ended a relationship and this is the time you need to take to slow down and learn from your past mistakes rather than jumping into a new love interest.“
In other words, most of us are dearly afraid of being alone.
I know, I know. This wouldn’t be you, right? Most of my clients when I work with them regarding codependency and love will tell me that they have no problem being alone, but that’s not actually factual.
When we have them write down how long it’s been in between their various relationships, more often than not it’s as short as 30 days or even four months… Which is never enough time to evaluate our own personal role in the dysfunction of a failed marriage or intimate relationship.
If we want to change the nature of relationships in this country, we’re going to have to follow the above tips. We will have to work with professionals when a relationship or marriage ends, to find out not only what our role was in the dysfunction of love, but also we need to forgive all of our past partners if we expect to be free, open and ready for the deepest of love in the future.
Is it possible to turn our relationship situation in this country around? Absolutely! If we’re willing to look at them in a totally different way, then we do today.
We need to stop looking for someone to save us financially or whatever it might be, and we also need to stop looking for people who have great potential in life… We need to wait for them to reach their potential if we’re going to date them.
The above, combined, can radically change the world of love in our country.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
More by David Essel