The 4 Essentials of Choosing a Soul Match

The 4 essentials of choosing a soul match

How do we choose a love relationship that lasts a lifetime and stands strong even in the face of challenges and adversities?

While deciding to choose our significant other we need to listen to our subtle intuitive experience. It can tell us whether a person is the one we are looking for, whether they are a true match for our soul.

To clarify this intuition, pay attention to the four essential experiences of a soul match: Attraction, rightness, compatibility and generosity.


Initial attraction is like a spark that ignites sexual desire

Initial attraction—popularly called chemistry—is the spark that ignites sexual desire.  Absolutely essential at the beginning of the relationship, it may dwindle with time.

For a longer lasting connection, the attraction has to be more than physical, more than skin deep. Our bodies, minds and circumstance change, so a lasting bond has to depend on something fundamental—the being of the other person.

When we are attracted to the whole person—their presence and inner nature—our love will continue to grow over a lifetime.

While we should never ignore fatal flaws and ‘red-flags’, we need to see beyond the surface personality to the inner nature of our partner.


Karl Pillemer tells us: In the search for a partner, nearly all of the experts describe a powerful “sense of rightness,” an intuitive and almost indescribable conviction that you have made the right choice.

While hard to explain, this feeling is essential for a fulfilling relationship.

One indicator of the sense of rightness is what Arnaud Desjardins calls at-ease-ness—you feel profoundly comfortable when with that person. You can be yourself and allow the other person to be who they are.

At-ease-ness means you trust him or her with your most vulnerable and intimates secrets.

Both rightness and at-ease-ness arise from a deep sense of connection and acceptance in the relationship. Something inside relaxes because we know that we are in the right place with the right person.


Compatibility arises out of similar values and natures in a relationship

Compatibility bonds two people together in companionship even as the fires of passion subside. It arises out of two essential aspects of the partnership: similar values and similar natures.

Values encompass our innate beliefs about sex and intimacy, religion, political views and how individuals should behave with each other each other.

In a relationship, they centre around our proclivity towards caring for each other, managing finances, having children and upbringing them with love and care. Values are those aspects we feel are most crucial to being a good human being.

Arnaud Desjardins also tells us that for true compatibility, the couple’s natures should not be too different. Beyond personalities, preferences and communication styles, it is our essential natures, our inner selves that have to be compatible.

We recognize compatibility by a feeling of companionship and alignment. When our values and natures are in harmony, we can relax because we know our partner is on the same team.


Generosity is the glue that holds a loving relationship together and is one of the best predictors of a happy marriage.

In a healthy relationship, each partner gives to the other freely and abundantly through small acts of service, expressions of affection and the willingness to forgive mistakes.

The basis of generosity is the impulse to make the other happy. In the right relationship, we feel drawn to give, to share and to support. This creates a mutual sense of abundance with plenty of kindness, appreciation and love.

If you are looking for a lifelong loving relationship, remember the four aspects of a soul match—attraction, rightness, compatibility and generosity. When you are with your prospective partner, if you experience those qualities, you can be certain you have found someone very special—your soul match.

Roland Evans
Roland Evans has been a psychotherapist for over 35 years, working with individuals and couples. He sees clients in his Boulder office and anywhere in the world via the Internet. Therapy provides the support, insight and motivation you need. Each session is tailored to who you are as we focus on all aspects of your life without judgment.