Who knew that after ending a significant romantic relationship, the Universe would give me the greatest gift?
I was in a pretty good relationship, at least on paper. He was super smart, handsome, had a great job, power, prestige, a big savings account. And he would do anything for me. We laughed and had fun together, had great sex and he introduced me to all kinds of unique experiences like Military balls and flying around Big Bear in his aeroplane.
We would fly back and forth to see each other every other weekend—he lived in Vegas and I lived in SoCal. The day even came when he was ready to make big life changes to fold me into his life permanently. He would leave his job and move California. As I said, he’d do anything for me.
But something wasn’t quite right
And then I had a dream. One that I’d be a fool to ignore: I was crawling through an obstacle course on my hands and knees, military style, pushing through this difficult circular contraption, as I struggled, I could see him on the other side, waiting for me.
But no matter what I did, I could not get through that contraption! I was utterly stuck, and I was never, ever going to make it to where he was waiting.
When I woke up, I began to get clarity around what my subconscious was telling me and I started questioning myself. Was I willing to make sacrifices for this person? I got back a clear and resounding “NO.” The right thing to do would be to break up because I knew he wasn’t the one, but would I have the guts?
Yes, but I was physically and emotionally a wreck anticipating how bad it would go. I deeply cared about this person and I was crying and in pain.
Everybody loved this guy for me, everybody but me
And so was he when I actually did it. Right before the holidays, it was sad. He didn’t take it well and swore to never speak to me again. I was months away from my 40th birthday and my family thought I had lost my mind because everybody loved this guy for me, everybody but me, it turned out.
Trying to please someone else at your own expense is self-betrayal
What I knew about myself is that I’ve had a history of trying to please or get approval from other people.
Trying to satisfy someone else at the expense of myself has led to self-betrayal of the highest order, and it would slowly eat away at me. It is particularly challenging when it “looked good on paper” and everyone in your life is giving you the thumbs up!
But after he had left my house and it was actually over, I felt an incredible amount of relief, clarity and alignment with my inner-self. Regardless of how hard it was to break this guy’s heart, to let him down, to be frowned upon by his friends and my family, making the choice that honored me and my true feelings was a deeply courageous and liberating experience at the time.
And, I had weeks of depression and loneliness following this breakup. My friends and family ostracized me over my decision. It was rough, to say the least.
Listening to your inner voice
Then, one night in a mental fog, I lit a candle, got into a trance-fixed meditation and decided to journal about all the qualities I wanted in the man of my dreams.
Four months later I met the man who would be husband. Ten years later we are better than ever as a couple. I thank the universe that I finally listened to my inner voice.
I was true to myself, and the Universe gave me the greatest gift in return.
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