Before You Say “I Do”

Before you say "I do"

Before you say ” I do” or before you even start meeting potentials, do your own work.

If you want a successful, fulfilling relationship you need to be on top of your game. What I mean by that is you need to do your own work on yourself. Ideally you should love yourself and live a healthy life. Start by putting in some serious thought on healing your past.  How can you really love another if you don’t even like yourself?  If you enter a relationship feeling insecure about yourself, you will be more likely to self-sabotage your relationship or end up in a relationship where you are not treated well.

We all have experiences that shape us today. They make us who we are. However, sometimes these memories and experiences prevent us from allowing in the love we seek. Many times the painful or hurtful memories from the past causes us to put up walls. We promise to ourselves that we will not feel that pain again, and the walls go up around our hearts.

So IF you are feeling stuck when it comes to relationships, ask yourself, “Is my heart open to love? Am I able to allow myself to feel vulnerable in a relationship?”If the answer is No, then don’t even bother trying to meet anyone. You will just get frustrated.  Work on yourself first so that you are in a position to allow love in. Work at healing your past which will in turn will help you feel safe enough to open your heart.  Your “stuckness” has nothing to do about what you are doing, and everything to do with how you are being.

If you aren’t sure if your heart is open, here are some hints that you may be coming from a closed place:

  • You feel tense/fearful when meeting potentials
  • You feel fearful even thinking about meeting someone
  • You want to know everything about the other person, but aren’t comfortable talking about yourself
  • You find it difficult to share your feelings and may use humour as a front.  You keep conversation superficial
  • You are afraid to feel vulnerable/ you may come across as guarded
  • You find yourself in a pattern of relationships. ie. Relationships where you feel you aren’t treated well, or with partners you feel you can’t trust, or they like you but you aren’t that into them, etc.
  • You find yourself over-analyzing/ overthinking. In other words, you are too much in your head and not in the moment
  • You feel not good enough/insecure with potential partners
  • You don’t connect with any potential you meet, at any level

These are some examples that may indicate you are blocked or that you are not in a place to allow in love. If you have discovered or know that you are coming from a closed place (i.e. your heart’s not open), there is hope! I am excited for you as you can work towards healing yourself.

In order to heal your past, you need to be aware of the memories that affect your ability to open your heart. With a professional, you can work through healing these memories with various modalities. A treatment approach for trauma that I use is called EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement, Desensitization and Reprocessing. It has been very helpful in reducing the disturbance of past memories. However, there are many other approaches various professionals use. Follow your heart on what you feel will help you live the life that you deserve. Working on these memories will not only help you allow love in, it will also help you with your triggers that affect you while you are in a relationship.

You deserve a fulfilling relationship and I am excited to say, you can have it!

Kimi Combow-Gill grew up in a South Asian family in the Vancouver area of BC, Canada. Kimi has been a counsellor for over 10 years. She graduated from UBC with a Masters in Counselling Psychology. She is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. She works in the school system and has a private practice in Coquitlam, BC. Kimi enjoys living life from her heart, she loves to laugh, dance, sing and help others. She loves the ocean and nature. Being active in nature is one of her favourite things to do as well as travelling. Kimi's personal life experiences as well as professional experience led her to write her debut book "Still single? It's not what you are doing, it's how you are being." For many years, Kimi was wondering to herself what she was doing wrong as she hadn't bumped into 'the one'. Over the years, she did her personal work and discovered many things that she wanted to share with others. Kimi met her life partner in August 2012 in her 30's. Kimi's hope is that people will be guided to allow love into their life by reading her book.