Recently working with couples, a case came up where the partners, though visibly in love and adore each other, yet were mystified with the apparent schism in their sexual appetite.
Case study 1 – Partners with different libidos
He likes to make long leisurely love on weekend mornings when there is no rush to get up. She, on the other hand, is more spontaneous. She likes to wake him up in the middle of the night, catch him off guard in the kitchen, and make out in the movie theater.
Her energy is fluid – sometimes she plays with feather-like touch, at other times, her hidden beast comes out and she wants to devour him completely. His energy is steady and more predictable being completely aware of exactly how, when, and where he likes to be touched.
He adores her and is dedicated to listening and following the rhythm of her orgasm.
Sex can make or break a relationship,
They came to me because they were frustrated, and wondering if they should end the relationship. There was plenty of chemistry between them though it was starting to come out as anger, or in the form of misdirected sexual energy.
One of the therapies suggested was to run their individual Human Design Charts, and examine how their two energy systems connect. Human Design is a brilliant personality assessment tool that maps how you process your vital life force energy.
Sexual energy is expressed in the Sacral Center.
This is one of nine different energy centers. His Sacral Center is defined, and hers is undefined, plus he has Gate 5, the Gate of Rhythm, and she has the opposite gate, 15, the Gate of Extremes (in rhythm)!
What does the Sacral Center mean?
People with a defined Sacral Center and the Gate 5 have a steady, consistent, and predictable way of expressing their libido. They have lots of energy for intimacy and connection. Regularly scheduled dates for play are important to him – actually a turn on!
Those with an open Sacral Center have energy that is more fluid and receptive. She can be superhot when she is near him. Though when she is alone, she is not the least bit turned on. Her rhythm is anything but consistent and sometimes feels destabilizing to him.
The good news was that the attraction is clearly there. His desire for her is a steady flame that burns even when he doesn’t apparently show it. Hers is more like a sparkler. When she’s around him, it’s all she can do to not pin him down. She admitted that his steadiness actually grounds her when she starts to feel out of control with her desire.
This was super relieving.
The problem lies elsewhere – a way to respect each other’s rhythm
How could they find a way to respect each other’s rhythm and satisfy their desire to connect? There is an alternate way out of this, as suggested by a therapist to try something entirely new.
The Wellness Sexuality Practice is a goal-less and very structured meditation practice that increases connection and the capacity to feel pleasure in the genitals, and throughout the body. Regular practice of this method, separate from love-making, satisfied his desire for rhythm and slow connected touch.
The structure of the container steadied her. She got to relax into the bliss of having his full attention on her. The fullness of her sexual desire came out and expressed itself in a way she’d never experienced before.
Not surprisingly, new doors opened up for their sexual play. He discovered new ways of expressing his sexual appetite, and she got to experience the power of surrender. Their relationship was re-ignited and………and full of turn on!
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
More by Linda Landon