Many times, we will pair up with individuals that have an incredible amount of compatibility with our goals in life, interests, and agreeable personalities as well.
But sometimes, because of age, genetics or even the end result of certain medications, couples can be at different sexual intensities at various times in their relationship.
What do you do?
For the last 28 years, number one best-selling author, counselor and life coach David Essel has been helping people to create the most incredible intimate lives imaginable, regardless of the current challenges they might be facing.
Below, David talks about how to stay sexually satisfied, in a challenging intimate relationship.
When your spouse rebuffs your sexual advances
“Imagine this: A woman walks into my office, contemplating divorce because her husband has no further interest in sex with her.
They have been married over 20 years, he has been slowly withdrawing sexually over the last several years and rebuffs every intimate advance that she brings upon him.
She had never intended to divorce him, but now she was at a loss for what to do. Her sexual prime was right around the corner, she could feel it coming on.
Other girlfriends of hers, at the same age, 45 were starting to ramp up their sexual interest as well.
And this is because of several factors:
1. Kids are leaving
The kids are leaving the home, relieving the need to take care of their needs on a day-to-day basis.
2.. Hormonal shifts
Hormonal shifts can really start to open up a woman’s libido.
3. Sexual liberation
For many women, who have gone through menopause early, they have been assured by their doctors that there’s no risk of pregnancy, which could also increase this feeling of “sexual liberation.“
So now she’s sitting talking to girlfriends who are 45, 48, 50, 58, and they’re all saying the same thing, they just can’t get enough sex.
She goes home to her husband, talks to him about the need for her to be more sexually intimate with him, but he turns his back and walks away.
At 55, he may be experiencing low testosterone, or midlife crisis depression, or his lack of sexual interest could be an end result of a myriad of different medications he could possibly be on.
She looks at me, unsure of what to do, She had never considered divorce but now is on the brink of following through with something she said she would never do.
Is “no strings attached” sex with another man the answer?
She asked me my opinion about friends with benefits, no strings attached sex with another man, in order to stay married.
I put the question back upon her and asked her if she would feel guilty going behind her husband ’s back to have sex with another man to get her needs met.
She says absolutely, that she doesn’t think she’s the type of person that could become sexually fulfiled by another man, with her husband knowing nothing about it.
Then she goes into a long story, about one of her girlfriends, that have stayed married to a man and has not had sex with him for over 10 years, by getting her sexual needs fulfiled by exactly that, a friend with benefit.
But she decides, she can’t go down that road.
The “M” word
So that’s when I brought up the “M“ word, masturbation.
She’s embarrassed. She’s fidgeting. She can’t look me in the eyes, even though I tell her it’s a natural process to be able to find sexual pleasure or “solo sex ” if she doesn’t want to go outside of the marriage and she doesn’t want to divorce her husband either.
It took about six weeks, and she was a trooper, coming in every week and talking more and more about self pleasure, before she finally decided that, that was the answer for her.
I gave her a variety of homework assignments in regards to exploring her own body, researching the positive effects of masturbation and brain chemistry, attitude and more and before you know it she’s absolutely sold.
Breaking the taboos attached to solo sex
Within several months of working together as her counselor, she has come to understand her body, her physical needs, and how to take care of them through “solo sex.“
So many people because of their upbringing, or because of religion, have been told that masturbation or “solo sex“ is bad, dirty, unladylike, yes unladylike.
And nothing could be further from the truth.
I always ask people before they divorce over something like a lack of intimacy to look at all of the alternatives possible, and masturbation is one of the best things that they can do to take care of their needs.
But wait, there’s so much more!
After a few months of working together when I asked her if she had ever shared with her husband what she was doing sexually she said never, she would never talk to him about it because it would make him feel less of a man.
Opening up a doorway to being intimate again
I explained to her that while that could happen, the opposite could happen too: meaning, that if he knew that she was taking care of her own sexual needs it might release the guilt and shame that he feels by not having a sexual drive, or, believe it or not as has happened with other clients, he might become intrigued that she is staying sexually active and it could open up a doorway for at the very least conversation about masturbation, and at the very best it could lead them to actually going back to having intimate moments together.
Coming to terms with the partner’s inclination towards solo sex
After having the conversation with him, which in the beginning he was quite unhappy to have, he expressed to her two weeks later that his own shame and guilt about not having an interest to take care of her physical needs had finally been removed.
He profusely thanked her for getting the professional help she got, and he was quite happy that her needs were being met even though he still did not have any intimate needs himself.
Down the road, that could change, but the greatest thing in the world that she found out, was that she could stay with a man who loved her in every way possible other than intimacy, after they had been together for a very long time, and she could fulfill her own erotic desires through the art of “solo sex.“
Now, this won’t work for everyone, but I think it will work for more people that we might believe is possible.
If you have a good relationship, a healthy relationship other than sexual intimacy, these are the avenues to try to see if it’s possible to stay together and still get your needs met.
My hope for this couple is that several months down the road as she continues to explore her own body, and he is well aware that she’s doing so, that it might peak his interest to become intimate with her once again.
I have also encouraged her to have him come to me or some other professional so that we could explore the reasons for his extreme drop in sexual desire.
Does he have any unresolved resentments against her that he’s never spoken about, that has led to his decrease in sexual interest?
Has he had affairs in the past and feels guilty or ashamed about and has shut down sexually? Have his hormonal levels dropped so dramatically, that something as simple as testosterone supplementation could boost them back to normal?
Or is there some medication or combination of medications that he’s taking, including cholesterol-lowering drugs or antidepressants, they can absolutely wipe out a man sexual drive?
As of today, I have not had a chance to work with him so I cannot give you the answers to his potential challenges, but I do know, that what we’re talking about today will become more open in society as we read articles like this: “solo sex “, is not nasty, it is not dirty, it is not done by degenerates.
But rather by people who are smart enough, and wise enough to learn how to take care of their own intimate needs in life, if they are in a relationship where there is no longer sexual intimacy, or as they age and are single, they can still have erotic adventures with their own bodies.“
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
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