3 Tips To Get Out Of Your Sexual Rut

Tips to get out of your sexual rut

Here’s a question that I get asked often: How do couples who’ve been married for a long time keep the sex satisfying?


I am so up for answering this! For starters, as our bodies age and we move through the cycle of life, we have to continuously rediscover one another. Frustration can set in when we try to do the same sexual routine that worked 10 years ago or even 2 years ago, and not explore new ways to entice, eroticize, and arouse one another. Here are some questions to think about:


*Do you find that most of the time you and your partner are sexual, it’s in bed?

*Do you initiate sexual contact in the same ways every time?

*Do you skip foreplay or engage just enough to get your partner aroused to have sex?

*Can you predict which sexual position is coming next?

*During sex, are you thinking about other things – your body, getting in your tax return on time, or other tasks?

If you said yes to 3 or more of these questions, you are in a sexual rut.  We evolve, our bodies evolve, and so should our sexual routines.

3 tips to reinvigorate your sex life

There is a myth about sexual intercourse being the main course, while foreplay is the side salad. Or the myth about how many orgasms one can achieve (or give.) Sex shouldn’t only be about orgasms and performance – when it becomes the focus, this thinking inhibits pleasure and intimacy because you’re in your head. Many times this can lead to issues of erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, and other sexual concerns.  Sexual intimacy should be about pleasure, acceptance and being an intimate team that works together for mutual sexual satisfaction.


Tip #1: Re-discover your erogenous zones

Touch is also so vital, and in many couples, one of the only times intimate touch occurs is during sexual contact.  It’s important to start with the basics and begin to focus on non-genital touch. With your hand over theirs, guide your lover in touching your entire body from head to toe, front and back, letting them know where and how you like to be caressed. Take your time and go slow then switch so your partner has a turn. Play around with pressure and strokes to discover what really turns you both on and where, and pay attention to how you feel and what you’re thinking while being touched in this way.


To turn up the heat, blindfold one another so you can really tune in to the sensations that are happening in your body. Always remember to be assertive but kind, praise and encourage your partner for getting it right.


Tip #2: Touch yourself!

Desire, eroticism and fantasy are all a mental event. You need to go into yourself to bring forth desire, and stimulating all the senses is a great way to start.


Take a shower by yourself and clear your mind. Focus on the water that is falling all over your skin. Think about the sensations of the water, the temperature and the warmth or coolness. Tune in and feel the different places on your body that the water is gracing itself on, and start to track all the places on your skin that the water is hitting slowly, from head all the way down to your toes.Breathe in deeply and slowly during this experience, and take the time to focus on yourself in all of your glory!


The use of fantasy can be a very powerful tool in sexual arousal and desire, because our mind is one of our biggest sex organs. Think about the things that turn you on the most and fantasies that bring about your arousal. Get in touch with that desire and stimulate yourself through masturbation. Once you have brought yourself to pleasure, share how this experience made you feel with your partner, and show them how you like to be stimulated.


Tip #3:  Traffic light exercise

Give a hand at learning sexual communication with your partner – by giving them access to your innermost erotic desires through this exercise. Set aside at least 30 minutes to do this activity. On a sheet of paper, write down 3 columns, Green, Yellow & Red


Green light: Anything you currently like to do when being intimate with your partner – from foreplay to intercourse, talk about what you really enjoy or would like more of.


Yellow light: Include anything sexually you would like to do or open to exploring with your partner – from bondage, spanking, and new positions, bring some of your fantasies to the conversation.


Red light: Things you would not like to do or the things that bother or turn you off (ex pinching nipples, not being gentle in touch.)


Remember that sexuality is an interwoven part of life and overall health, so check in with one another and get to know what your partner’s sexual needs are, and how to turn them on in the here and now. Use these methods to get to know each others bodies better, then take a couple of those things on your traffic light list and have a freaking blast!

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Marissa Nelson
Marriage & Family Therapist, LMFT
Marissa Nelson is the Founder & CEO of IntimacyMoons Couples Retreats.
She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Sex Therapist & Divorce
Mediator, and specializes in couples & intimacy issues. She has served as a private
practitioner working with a broad spectrum of clients in the Greater Washington DC, and now conducts workshops and speaking engagements about intimacy and connection. Young, dynamic, articulate, and exceptionally qualified, Marissa possesses a Master’s of Family Therapy (MFT) from the esteemed Couples and Family Therapy Department of Drexel University in Philadelphia. Marissa also holds a Certificate in Sexual Health and Sex Therapy from the University of Michigans School of Social Work.

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