Gone are the days when couples stayed married for 50, 60, 70 years. Looking back, these lasting marriages seemed too good to be true. With the North American divorce rate at around 50%, I personally know a lot of single men and women who actually feel afraid to tie the knot. Let’s also remember that a lasting marriage is, in my opinion, not necessarily something to admire in itself. A lasting marriage where both partners feel truly fulfilled is admirable. I know we all agree on this, right?
So, where does the problem start?
The problem starts with the selection process. In general, both men and women feel pressured to meet their prince charming and their wonderwoman. As the years pass on, and we hit the big 3-0, we feel that pressure even more. We look around and see that a lot of our friends and family our age have already walked down the alter.
“Is something wrong with me that I haven’t found The One yet?”“Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?” “Am I too picky?”
A lot of my clients, both male and female, also tell me that their parents are on their back to get married and even to have kids. Talk about pressure! Adding salt to the wound, women also feel their biological clock ticking around the age of 30. With all this internal, external, biological, and emotional pressure, especially at a certain age, a lot of people unfortunately just settle. Settling eventually leads to regret, sadness, constant disappointment and a feeling of being unfulfilled and unhappy. If you’re not happy in your intimate relationship, you’re not happy.
Check out some tips to have a happy and lasting marriage in the video below:
What’s the solution then?
The solution is to clearly map out what you want in a partner. Focus on your dream partner, with a dash of reality, and you will almost certainty find who you’re looking for.
Making a list, and checking it twice
Take out a pen and paper. Make a list of every single thing you value in a partner. Now on another paper, make three columns.
Column one is your absolute musts: they must be understanding and considerate, they must be respectful, they must have a job, and so forth. These are the traits that you will never negotiate.
Column two is your shoulds: they should have a car, they should make +$80,000, they should take me out for a date night every weekend, they should live in the same city, and so forth. You will check off as many as these as possible, but not having one of two of these values can still equal a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Column three is your likes: I would like them to be from the same nationality, from the same country, from the same religion, to speak two languages, and so on. These are values that you like, but if they don’t perfectly match them, it’s fine. As long as your musts and most of your shoulds are checked off.
This simple, easy, and fun exploration gives you confidence, clarity, and gets you the one you truly desire.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Giovanni is a trained and certified life coach in Toronto. He helps people suffering from problems such as anxiety, depression, addiction, self esteem issues, stress, marital troubles and anger management. He helps his clients understand the root cause of their psychological troubles and supports them in overcoming those troubles. He helps them see their situation in new perspective and move forward with their lives. Click here.