How to be a More Loving and Caring Partner


I was recently told about someone who is a very practical and successful lady, not very romantic and kind of impatient. I was asked what changes she can make, as a person, to be more appreciative kind and loving toward her partner. I loved this question!  

I work with couples on a regular basis who struggle with this issue. On the surface, it sounds like a lot of changes need to be made for someone to become more kind and loving.

Here is the good news. There is one sure fire way that you can help your partner feel more loved and appreciated. It comes down to two simple words: UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.  Think about this for a second. In today’s world with all of the demands on our attention from work, family, …technology when was the last time you sat down with your partner and gave them your undivided attention?  

So what does “undivided attention” really mean?

It means that when your partner is talking to you, you listen to them without being distracted by anything else. You will know if you are doing it successfully if you not only hear what your partner is saying, but you understand why they are saying it. If you do this, your partner is going to feel like they have become the center of your universe for that 10,15, 20 minutes or however long you can offer this wonderful, meaningful gift.  We feel loved when we feel like someone else really wants to know about how we are doing inside.

For the lady who is not very romantic and kind of impatient, I would bet her partner would be ecstatic if she gave the gift of her time and a healthy dose of undivided attention. Maybe during this exercise she could become more familiar with her partner’s needs and wants. That might give her guidance on how to go the next step in pleasing her love interest. Hopefully this lady will experience what it’s like to have a grateful partner and the return will be as much love and kindness as she is now giving.  

For couples who need assistance beyond this advice, meeting with a couples’ therapist can really help with understanding each other better. If you are someone who is looking to become more loving toward your partner, start with giving your undivided attention. I think you will enjoy what happens next.

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Gail Desilets
Marriage & Family Therapist, LMFT
Gail Desilets is an LMFT graduate from California State University; she specializes in individual and couples therapy. Gail works as a private practitioner with many clients on cognitive behavioral therapy, adult issues like divorce and separation. Gail is a solution-focused therapist and her therapeutic approach is mainly focussed on giving practical feedback to help clients in overcoming their challenges.

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