Are You and Your Partner Speaking the Same Love Language?

Are You and Your Partner Speaking the Same Love Language?

We each learn ways of expressing our love and appreciation.  How we express our love may be influenced by our early experiences, cultural influences, and family of origin. We may communicate our love by giving gifts, through touch, through words, spending time with our partner, or through acts of service.  The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman in 1992 and suggests that each of us has a predominant way of expressing our love.

So why is it important to understand our spouse’s love language?

Speaking different love languages can often start as a simple miscommunication that can have major consequences. When one person understands love as being expressed through words, for example, and that person’s partner expresses his or her love through acts of service, the message can be lost in translation.  

For example, let’s say I understand love as being expressed through words.  I may become insecure, resentful, and may even begin to believe that my partner does not truly love or care about me when my partner does not verbally express his or her love. I may feel disconnected from my partner and begin to distance myself from my partner to protect my feelings of vulnerability.  I may start to feel as though something is lacking in my relationship and perhaps I may even look elsewhere to have my needs met.

The resentment and insecurity may start to build up which could cause me to focus on what my partner is not saying.

Avoid Resentment Build Up

This, in turn, prevents me from noticing that my partner is demonstrating his or her love in other ways such as making me coffee every morning or scraping the ice off my car before I go to work.  My partner is communicating his or her love through acts of service.  I may not realize because we are not speaking the same love language.

Not only have I become hurt and resentful because my partner is not verbally expressing his or her love for me but my partner may start to feel unappreciated for his or her acts of service.  My partner may start to feel as though he or she cannot do anything right and may feel that there is nothing that he or she can do to make me happy.  My partner may start to feel defeated in the relationship.  This, in turn, can cause my partner to feel resentful towards me.  This can start to create a rift between us which can lead to a rupture in the relationship or a communication breakdown.

If we learn how our partners communicate their love and appreciation, then we can start to “hear” the message and it will no longer be lost in translation.  

Understand Love Language To Communicate Better

If we learn how our partners understand love, then we can work towards communicating our love in a way that our partners can understand.

For example, I could start to focus my attention on my partner’s acts of service and understand that this is how my partner is showing me love. Instead of feeling resentful about what my partner is not doing, I may begin to feel special, loved, and emotionally safe.  

My partner could also learn that I understand love through words of affirmation and my partner can begin to make more attempts in using words to express that he or she loves me.  This will allow for a more fulfilling relationship where both partners feel understood and appreciated.  This can strengthen our attachment which can also lead to greater conflict resolution when conflict does arise in the relationship.

Same love language fosters intimacy, connection, communication and trust

In understanding our partners’ love language, we learn more about our partners, we take their needs into account, and this may even create conversation about how, and from whom, we learned about love and how it is expressed.  This can facilitate open and honest communication.

If you are interested in learning more about love languages, you can find more on the subject in books and online. There are quizzes that can help you decipher what your love language is as well as your partner’s. A couples’ counsellor can also help to facilitate the conversation around your love language strengthening your bond and allowing for both partners to feel understood.

Kristen Holbrook is a Registered Clinical Counsellor based in Coquitlam, BC. Kristen offers both individual and couples counselling in her Private Practice. She has specialized training in the area of trauma and has been trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). In addition to her Private Practice work, Kristen provides counselling to women who have experienced historical and domestic abuse in an agency setting.

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