Anaïs Nin, one of the most renowned novelists of the last century, can teach us a thing or two about having a great marriage. Her famous short erotic novels captured the essence of true intimacy and expressed her core ideology that understanding our partner on a deeper level is more valuable than physical affection. If you’re missing intimacy in your marriage you should read Anaïs Nin’s ideas on love and understanding.
To Miss Intimacy in Your Marriage is to Miss Understanding
Intimacy is about being able to completely open up to your partner. Have you felt disconnected lately? Or is something preventing you from telling your spouse how you feel? We all have fears and regrets. Things we don’t want anyone to know about us. It may be insecurities about your weight, fears due to an abusive ex-husband or even sexual preferences. But it’s these things that can create a deeper bond between two people – if you let them. Only when your partner knows your deepest fears does he truly know the real you. Maybe you’re afraid he’ll see you in a different light. Maybe you’re afraid he’ll love you less than before. Ask yourself if the same would be true if it were him sharing his deepest fears with you. Would you love him any less? Probably not.
To Miss Understanding is to Miss Love
Most people think love comes before everything else. They also make the mistake of thinking a marriage can only be built on love. Yes, love is an essential element of every relationship but it’s also unpredictable and conditional in nature. Over time it will lose some of its hold over you and might cause you to doubt the very foundations of your marriage. Intimacy and understanding, however, are the cornerstones of a happy partnership. According to Anaïs Nin, love cannot exist without these essential components. If you genuinely want to create lasting love, you first need to create mutual understanding. And to create mutual understanding you need intimacy.
Wise Words from a French Novelist
According to Nin, there comes a point in your relationship where the strength of your intimacy is enough to overcome your fears of rejection or inadequacy. While these fears may still exist on a deeper level they are no longer significant. For some couples it may take years to reach this point, for others mere weeks. Why is there a difference? Because we all carry a different burden. Some people were abused as a child. Some have had one too many bad relationships. And others suffer from a negative body image. These issues are the enemy of intimacy, as they don’t allow you to open up. And here’s the controversy: love can only exist if there’s intimacy, but intimacy cannot exist if there is no self-love. That’s where it all begins. Accepting yourself for who you are, despite your flaws and imperfections. Forgiving yourself for making mistakes and hurting others. And above all, realizing that it’s these imperfections that make you unique.
In short, commit to a personal relationship with yourself.
In the words of the famed Anaïs Nin: ”The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy… and intimacy creates understanding… and understanding creates love.”