Remember when you first got married, how happy and excited you were, how mesmerized you were with your wife, you vowed to love her through the ups and downs, you made a commitment before God, your friends, and your family, you promised to love her forever and ever, and ever, and every time she walks in the room you light up. She’s the woman you dreamed up, the woman you prayed for, and the woman who you knew would be the mother of your children, and when you look into her eyes you see love, you see joy and you know she would never leave you.
Then suddenly, things changed one day, and she woke up one morning, looked you in your eyes and said:
“Honey, I’m tired, I’m tired of doing this, I want a divorce.”
Shocked and in denial, you look into her eyes and the love you once saw is gone and you realize she’s given up on you and the marriage. Hurt, confused, frustrated, and in despair you replay the past couple of weeks, days, and months in your head trying to figure out what happen, what did you do, where did it all go wrong, and at what point did things change.
So you secretly ask yourself:
These questions linger in the back of your mind for weeks, months, and days, and you’re afraid to reach out and ask for help, because you’re embarrassed and you don’t want people to know that your marriage has hit rock bottom and is headed for divorce. You begin to feel like you have nowhere to turn and no one to talk to, your hands are tied, and you don’t know what to do. However, there are ways to cope, but you have to be committed to doing these things and you can’t give up when things don’t go your way or if you don’t see immediate changes, and you have to put your pride and ego aside.
There are 3 things you can do:
Put your trust and confidence in God and believe he has the power to turn your marriage around, ask him for wisdom and direction, and allow his will to be done in your marriage. When was the last time you talked to God about your marriage, when was the last time you invited him into your marriage, and when was the last time you prayed for your wife and your marriage?
2. Give her time and space
Don’t try to force your wife to talk to you or spend time with you, don’t overwhelm her with questions, and allow her the time and space she needs to get her thoughts together. If you try to force her into staying with you or talking to you, she will later resent you for it and be angry with you for making her do something she’s not ready for. Don’t focus on what she’s doing, focus on you. You may not have heard from her in over a week and she may have moved out, stop texting and calling, and give her time and space.
3. Seek counseling
Society says, men don’t go to counseling, that’s a myth – men do go to counseling. If you find yourself lost and wondering what to do, find a counselor you can talk to, to help you deal with your feelings and emotions, and to help you overcome your feelings of hurt, pain, frustration, and confusion. You may be used to sweeping your feelings under the rug or putting them on the shelf and never dealing with them, but now is not the time to do that. This is the time to be real, to be open, and to be vulnerable, especially if you want your marriage. Forget what society says about men not showing their emotions, and get the help you need for what you’re going through.
Hearing, “I want a divorce” is hard, and may be the most difficult statement you will ever hear, but it’s not impossible to cope and overcome the hurt that comes with it.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
More by LaWanda N Evans