Divorce is never easy for those involved, and this is especially true for the children.
Often the parents are so caught up in the emotionally charged situation that they tend to expect the children just to get by and cope as best they can until things settle down again.
However, with a bit of awareness and mindfulness, as well as careful planning and preparation, parents can do a lot towards making the divorce experience somewhat less painful for their children.
These nine guidelines will give you some ideas on helping your child deal with divorce.
1. Always reassure your children that they are loved
It is natural for a child to feel that they are somehow to blame for the breakup of your marriage.
Thoughts along the lines of, “seeing as Mom and Dad no longer love each other, maybe they no longer love me either” can silently torment a child, as they try to deal with the turmoil of the divorce.
Here’s how to tell kids about divorce.
The more you reassure your child of your love, the better. This will go a long way to helping your child deal with divorce.
Besides saying the actual words, “I love you,” you can show your love in many practical ways by being there for your child and listening to them when they share their thoughts and feelings with you.
2. Maintain the stability of daily routines
Daily routines can be the stabilizing glue which holds things together when everything else is in upheaval mode.
Simple things like mealtimes, bedtimes, getting ready for school, doing homework and watching favorite TV programs together can give your child a sense of continuity that they need.
When some changes are inevitable, take the time to sit down with your child and explain what is going to happen and how things are going to be different so that they will feel more prepared and not suddenly ambushed by the changes.
3. Minimize your child’s exposure to conflict and legal talk
Fighting and arguing in front of your child is to be avoided at all costs.
The child feels helpless and torn apart when he sees and hears the conflict between his parents. Instead, go somewhere away from the home to thrash out your differences and talk about all the legalities of the divorce.
It is also stressful for the child to hear you discussing all the negative aspects of what you are going through with friends and other family members.
In your bid to helping your child deal with divorce, try to be sensitive to the little ears that are always listening.
4. Refrain from negativity and blame towards the other parent
When you are alone with your child, and the topic of the other parent comes up, it is easy to lapse into saying negative and blaming words.
This is not helpful to your child, who still loves both of his parents.
When you speak, your child may feel that you are expecting him or her to take your side and join in disparaging the other parent.
This can create a lot of inner conflict and turmoil for your child. So rather try to stick to the facts and let your child reach their conclusions about their other parent. By choosing not to do so, due to an impaired perspective, you won’t be helping your child deal with divorce.
5. Allow your child to express how they feel
There is nothing worse than walking on eggshells and not being allowed to express how you feel.
If you want to help your child deal with your divorce, you need to try and create a safe atmosphere where they are allowed to say what is hurting them, what makes them sad, and what things they find frustrating.
You may not be able to ‘fix’ the situation, but by making the child feel heard and accepted, you will certainly be helping your child deal with divorce and relieve some of the pain.
6. Prioritize the involvement of both parents
Your children need both parents in their lives.
So if you are the custodial parent, make it a priority to facilitate the access of your ex-spouse to spend time with your children. This may mean being flexible with visitation arrangements and putting up with some inconveniences for the sake of your child.
If you are the non-custodial parent, it is imperative that you make every effort to keep in touch with your children regularly and consistently.
The best way to helping your child deal with divorce is to show them that nothing has changed in your relationship with your child, or in fact, if it has changed, it is for the better.
7. Keep visitation transitions stress free
Speaking of visitations, these can be very stressful for children, especially if there is hostility and tension between the parents at the handover. Try to make handovers in a neutral place, so you don’t use the opportunity to engage negatively.
Let your child see that you are willingly letting them go and that you are glad they can spend some time with their other parent.
The same goes for when they return to you – make it a pleasant welcome back experience. Give your child the time and space they may need to readjust and don’t bombard them with questions about everything they did.
Give them space to tell you in their own time and way. That is one of the key things you can do in the direction of helping your child deal with divorce.
8. Don’t use your child as a messenger
How divorce affects children includes feelings of being torn and left in a lurch. They feel dragged into a tug of war. If you have some practical arrangement or message to convey to your ex-spouse, don’t ask your child to do it.
This makes them into a go-between kind of messenger, which can be very awkward for the child.
Rather text or email your spouse and leave your child to be a child without expecting them to take on adult responsibilities and concerns.
9. Take care of yourself
Children of divorced parents undergo a lot of turmoil and are in a frail state, initially.
There is no such thing as the worst age for divorce for children. Children and divorce is a complicated situation, irrespective of the age of the child coping with divorce.
If you want to help your child deal with your divorce, you need to be taking good care of yourself.
This means getting help for yourself with therapy or counseling. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat properly, and get some exercise.
If your child sees that you are coping well with the divorce and taking the steps that you need to take, they too will feel hopeful and know that they can make it through this difficult time with your help.
More tips on how to help a child deal with divorce
Divorce effects on children can be overwhelming.
From telling kids about divorce to helping them adjust to the “new normal”, helping your child dealing with divorce can be a tedious ride.
Whether it is a well-handled divorce or a nasty one, a child can undergo a gamut of disturbing emotions like feeling grief-stricken, angry, betrayed, anxious, or even guilty.
The psychological effects of divorce on toddlers entail different challenges than the impact it will have on a teenager or a grown-up. Roping in a professional can help you get practical advice on how to explain divorce to a child and how to ease the turmoil it follows.
Effective ways of helping children cope with divorce are counseling children of divorce with the help of an expert professional.
A trained professional will:
- Gauge children’s reactions to divorce by age
- Equip the kids with divorced parents with the right skill set to embrace the changing family dynamics
- Explain to them the positive effects of divorce on children like being brought up in a conflict-free environment
- Therapy for children of divorce will help them process their emotions
Following these useful pieces of advice will make the child more likely to make a smooth transition to the dynamics of the two-parent family.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.