Men and Women are different. “Really Carter?” We know there is a difference between the two. No matter how many couples I counsel or talk to, men and women are not consciously acknowledging their differences.
What it comes down to, in many cases, is expectations. We are all human, and we are made unique; no two of us are the same.
We look at each other, and we say (generally) you have ahead, you can think, you have two eyes, two ears and can breathe like me, so you are like me.
In recognizing the apparent similarities, we consciously miss the personality differences in marriage.
We expect the other person to understand what we are saying
If I speak English and you speak Spanish, our communication is not going to be effective unless we speak the same language.
It’s unrealistic for me to expect you know what I am saying when I’m speaking another language. We both can be speaking English but using words that hold different meanings and miss what the other is saying.
We can have disagreements because of our use of words when asking or explaining things to one another.
We can’t expect each to fully understand everything the other person is saying because there are so many variables to communication, and we all are coming from diverse places and stages in life.
Many years ago, a friend told me that his second wife would not argue with him like his first wife would all the time, hence why they couldn’t stay married. One wife didn’t like fighting, while the other didn’t have a problem doing so.
If couples do not work on talking in a way that communicates understanding and willingness to help each other, we will continue to “fight” and get divorces.
If I came from a family where yelling, breaking things, and slamming doors were normal, then I will take that culture, that practice into my relationships, my marriage.
What makes a happy marriage?
Acknowledging male vs. female traits and making dedicated efforts at breaking barriers of communication.
“I’m not going to fight with you.” “Can we talk please?”
“Can we please admit that we are all different?” “We are more alike than different,” but we openly choose to focus on the similarities, while ignoring the difference.
Do you know that if we are sitting in the same room, but in different seats in that room, that our view of the room is different?
Changing positions in that room will change our views. That’s straightforwardness, but in many cases, this simple point is missed daily.
Okay, we understand that. Now answer me this: how can we be in the same marriage and not recognize that we view everything differently?
Our diversity is a strength, not a weakness, and it is not wrong
We don’t have to work so hard at “being right” when our goal is to know how to reply when we are talking.
I hope we begin to make changes by making a difference in the way we view each other, and be difference makers because we are made unique, complex, and differently.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
R Carter Thomas, obtain a Master’s Degree in Social Work (MSW) from the University of Michigan in 2003; later he earned his Licensed Independent Social Worker with a Supervisor designation (LISW-S). Carter, as he likes to be called, completed a three-year ministry program where he earned a diploma from Cornerstone Global School of Ministry with a concentration in Counseling and Deliverance. He has over twenty years of experience working with substance abuse, mental health and vocational rehabilitation field. Carter is a doctoral candidate working on his Ph.D. in Christian Counseling with a concentration in Pastoral Counseling and Leadership at Vision International University Carter has experience in crisis intervention, victim and offender treatment, grief counseling, and trauma-informed care. He has worked in various settings, such as residential treatment facilities for men and outpatient treatment facilities with men, women and adolescents for substance use disorders and mental health issues. He has worked with dually diagnosed population in both inpatient and outpatient settings. Carter has facilitated Anger Management Groups in both residential and outpatient offices. He has worked with multi-generations and various populations. Carter is the Founder and CEO of Good Company Christian Counseling & Life Coaching, LLC and Tri-Care Solutions, LLC. He continues to counsel from Biblical worldview, where he works with individuals, couples and families to help them improve their quality of life. Carter does trainings in educating others on mental health, counseling, parenting, marriage and he supervises LSW’s in their process of becoming a LISW. He is currently the author of three book/booklets: Set Up Your BreakThrough, No More Excuses, and Counseling God’s Way.