Sanity Saving Tips for Wedding Planning with your Partner
You have probably invested a great deal of time dreaming about your wedding day – fantasizing about what it would be like in great detail. Getting engaged is like unleashing the tiger – your desires can run wild because now you have permission for those fantasies or dreams to come true! But here’s the rub – there is another person in the mix with his own dreams and fantasies whom you now have to include! How can you let your fiancé be part of the process without feeling you have to sacrifice those long cherished notions?
To make matters more complex, there are mothers and fathers and potential mothers-and fathers-in-law, who may each want their say in the event too. It’s easy to see why planning a wedding can become a stressful experience rife with power struggles and conflict. You secretly hope your partner will let you take control and agree with everything you want…
Although one person may be happy to let the other do all or most of the planning, rarely does it go that way nor should it. There are two people about to merge their lives together and the planning of the wedding, whether big or small, can be an opportunity to begin that process. In other words, planning a wedding can actually help you get married.
1. Communication: Talk frankly with one another about your hopes for your wedding day. Discuss the roles you each want to have in the planning. Most family members like to be included in various ways in the planning. Ask them what kind of involvement they would like to have – if there are things you want to do, delegate other things that have less importance to you. Some parents would prefer to be given specific tasks then to have to figure out how to participate.
Communicate clearly about what you need and listen to their concerns. Talk about how disagreements should be handled when wedding planning. Remember, they have fantasies and dreams about the big day too! It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything but it is important and strategic (if you want to keep the peace) to work it out collaboratively. Speak frankly about finances and stay within your wedding budget.
2. Organization: Chaos is stressful. With so many details to keep track of it is important to stay organized! Figure out a timeline to keep you on track for what to do when, and who is responsible for what. I know one recently engaged woman whose sister gave her an accordion file neatly labeled with different things she would need to collect: i.e. venue information, florists, bakeries, musicians, inspiration and wedding dress pictures, photographers, videographers, stylists etc. She took it with her when she went to Bridal expos or used it to file information whenever she got something. It made it easy for her or her fiancé to find something quickly and sort through information.
3. Time: Give yourselves lots of it – don’t rush into decisions. There needs to be ample opportunity to explore options or to think of all the ramifications of a choice. Sometimes one has to live with an idea for a while to realize it doesn’t really fit. I know one couple, whose engagement was a year and a half but in their excitement rushed into a decision about their wedding party almost immediately. Months later it made more sense for them to shift around the wedding party a bit but this got a little tense. Live with things a while before giving official roles to people. Don’t be afraid to do things your own way, but be mindful of the ramifications of whatever decisions you make on social relationships so you can address them if need be. Knowing the etiquette of the process can prevent any major faux pas!
4. Meaning: Keep your eyes on the prize – the marriage, not the wedding. It’s easy to get swept up in the “event” and forget the real meaning of the ceremony – to wed. Getting obsessive about wedding details can be a way of re-directing one’s anxiety about getting married. It’s easy to fight about the color of napkins rather than really talk together about one’s fears or conflicts about making a life-long commitment. Take a break from time to time and focus on other parts of your life. Check in with each other often about where you are and how you are feeling during the wedding planning process.