For most women, physical intimacy plays an important role in a loving relationship. It’s often the glue that bonds as a couple. Not only does it help us feel connected to our partner, but sex also produces “feel good” hormones, such as oxytocin, that allow us to stay vibrant, energetic and happy. It’s important to pay attention to the sexual temperature of our relationship, as this is a sign of how our couple is doing. Having great sex? That’s a pretty good indication that things are going well for you and your partner. Not having sex? It might be time to key into that and see why this basic need is not being met.
How we view sex
Sex is a natural outcome of feeling close to our partner. Physical Intimacy is a language unto itself, and women use it to express their love and appreciation towards their man. You already know how important it is to learn how to dialogue with your partner so that each of you feels heard. it is equally important to learn your mutual sexual language so that each of you feels satisfied. This isn’t something that can be taught quickly, which is why in a loving, long-term relationship, the sexual expression between the two people is rich, meaningful and boundless: the two people have had years to build trust and to learn each other’s “erotic” language.
Great sex between you and your man takes time to create
In the beginning of your relationship, good sex may come easily, as you are both riding the wave of the newness of your physical appetites. As you grow with your partner, another layer of connectivity is formed: the mental side of sex, or emotional intimacy. Research shows that 53% of women view the mental connection established in a long-term relationship an essential part of their sexual satisfaction.
What’s needed for fireworks-filled sex: a recipe
Sexually-fulfilled women agree: if you can’t communicate outside the bedroom, your physical communication inside the bedroom will be difficult. Good sex starts in the head, and that means being able to talk honestly with your partner. The majority of women require a deep, strong connection to their man in order to truly enjoy intercourse. Research has found that women value this emotional connection even more than achieving orgasm. Many women also share that they don’t like to jump right into the act itself (although a “quickie” from time to time can be enjoyable) but love the lead up to sex: the foreplay. They also make sure that these pre-coital caresses are enjoyable to their man as well, because seeing their man excited adds to their own excitement and feeling of femininity.
Sexually-satisfied women understand the importance of seduction. They know that this is as pleasure-giving as the physical aspects of being in bed, as the act of seduction—everything that takes place prior to slipping between the sheets—can be as sexy as the end game itself. Think about those early dating days, when you spent time selecting your lingerie, your perfume, your outfit and accessories. You can bet at the same moment you were doing your makeup, your man was carefully picking out the restaurant and rehearsing what he might say to you during dinner that would draw you closer to him. Seduction is fun whatever the phase of your relationship. In fact, it is even more important for long-term couples because seducing each other can help re-ignite the flames of desire. Women need these pre-game activities (more than men, it may seem) in order to get into the mood, especially after years of being with the same partner. There are few things more exciting than being reminded that you are worth courting.
The low (or non-existent) sex drive
Our sex drives are complex. Many factors can influence desire. There are the short-term influences such as a long day with children or at work, a fight with a friend (or your partner), illness…And then there are long-term influences such as age (menopause), critical health issues, or continual, chronic stress.
If you’ve identified that your libido is down due to temporary annoyances, there is no need for concern. Desire has a natural ebb and flow, and no one expects us to be “on” all the time. It is helpful to explain to your man why you aren’t in the mood, all while reassuring him it isn’t him but you just need a good night’s sleep, for instance.
For a libido that seems to have extinguished itself and doesn’t appear to be returning, it is a good idea to check in with your doctor, especially if you are approaching the age of menopause. There are many natural and pharmaceutical therapies available to help mitigate the drop in our sex hormones. A doctor can review these with you to help you decide on the best course of action.
If hormonal changes are not the cause of a reduction in desire, it might be a wise to take a personal inventory. Is your diminished desire due to a struggle with your self-image? A breakdown in communication with your partner? Feeling unsupported in certain areas of your life? Are you sensing a rut in your routine? Unpacking stressors with the help of a professional therapist would be a productive way towards rediscovering your sexuality and all of its pleasures.
Make time for sex. You won’t regret it.
We all have a lot on our plates, between work, family, community commitments and social obligations. It can be all too easy to delay or forget the wonderful and life-enhancing benefits to a pleasure-filled sex life. But that would be an error. Don’t make the mistake of short-changing yourself by putting lovemaking on the back burner. The lift you will get from a satisfying session under the sheets with the man you love will transfer over into all other areas of your life. Make time for these intimate, connecting moments. You are worth it, and so is the man you love.